I’m with Jesus and every broken piece of my body is with Jesus.  I’ve strung those words together lately in both need and for somewhere to drain the answers to.  I’ve strung them together from a place of pain.  I also think they could be strung together from a place of great joy, but just now, their voice is calling from a thicket.  Ever had one of those places?  You just want to drain the need for answers and lay your shoulder on the one who loves you with total abandon.  You just want to revel in release for a second and belong to a care giver and burden taker.  I just heard all of us breathe a sigh of “yep.”  So many subjects of life fit that call don’t they.  We’re a needy bunch.  My recent thicket was that someone spoke some truly reckless words to me and I wasn’t prepared for them.  I wasn’t prepared to be busted up and marginalized. I wasn’t prepared to feel like someone thought me a poor excuse for a Christian woman.  I won’t say what they were because that’s not the point, but I will say they were from someone I trusted and I wasn’t prepared for such words.  I don’t think they were prepared to speak them either.  People rarely are, and yet the surprising mess that ensues from hurtful words can’t go unnoticed or untouched.  Who’s going to notice their scope of opportunity first?  Who’s going to touch their urgent problem first?  With this particular situation I’ve been through a series of private mental answers on that.  The first one went kind of like this “stay away from me!”  The second one was a little better, but not really, “stay away from me until you’re ready to apologize!”  The third one dropped the exclamation mark in my head and sounded off a different bad attitude of  “I want to forgive you but I’m afraid that means you’ll think it’s all ok if I do.”  And the fourth one went like this, “I’m sorry you hurt both of us with your words.  Let’s figure this out.”  Pain is tough.  All four of these private mental answers beg the question, who touches pain first?  Who can re-purpose pain for good?  With all my heart, my fifth mental answer comes to this:  “I pray the palm of Jesus touches first and most.  I crave to forgive and I crave to be forgiven of letting pain mount instead of letting love heal. I want God to win for you in your life and me in mine.”   Life is painful sometimes and divides the love and kindness in two.  It divides the kids of Christ.  I pray for God to win in all of our lives.  I’m with Jesus and every broken piece of my body is with Jesus.  Those are words I’ll string together more often. But not just for me now, for others too.

I think a lot of people feel this place of tug-o-war with pain and who should touch it first.  The blame game is alive and well, but the prayer that it’s hurting both sides is unthought and unsaid.  I also think the world is wearing out of caring about regard for love and kindness.  It’s not a glamorous thing to say, but the evidence is growing.  This is going to sound strange, but I feel like I keep losing innocence in this world.  I’m a grown woman and wise to playful childhood innocence now gone by, so why do I still feel the sensation of losing innocence?  I think it’s from constantly learning surprising new ways our world has come up with to hate all the time.  I think it’s from joy that keeps cramping soul space to make room for sad space each time I hear a new way someone violated life, more creative or cruel than the way before.  This is also going to sound strange.  Somehow I reconcile grave sadness differently with natural disasters and devastation and don’t lose quite as much innocence in that way as the hate stuff.  It’s like floods and earthquakes are part of a different category of innocence.  Make no mistake, those are no less powerful in my mind and I lose ground in God-innocence at times over those (big deal!), but they’re not as life-innocence recking (also a big deal!) as when hate attacks and maims the human race or people power-push selfishness to the front of the line.  Who restores that innocence and negotiates that sadness?  Who touches that kind of pain first?  Can it be re-purposed?

Dear readers.  There is one thing we have to keep telling ourselves.  God is touching our pain first.  He’s touching it before it ever gets to us.  Do I know something you don’t?  No.  Definitely not.  I’m terrible at pain.  But this world couldn’t have gone on as long as it has if Jesus didn’t touch the pain first.  This world couldn’t have gotten us this far unless God brought us through on His back.  We often don’t see He has touched the pain because we’re praying He removes the pain.  It’s hard to trust a touch instead of getting total freedom from it.  Or at least our idea of freedom.  His love knows better.  My biggest dream in my life is to see how Jesus touches all of me every day.  That includes pain.  And perhaps the most loving thing I will see is how He re-purposes my pain for my good.  Love does that when it’s heavenly love.  My second biggest dream in my life is to use up everything Jesus gave me for Him.  That includes pain.  Where do I start with that?  Good question.  I don’t have any tips or tricks for how to use pain or how to react to the sting of it.  I don’t have answers to the loss of innocence from a hateful and selfish world causing pain on every age in humanity.  But I do have one big tip to reacting to what Jesus can do with all of it.  Surrender and get out of the way.  He’s better at it than you.  One of His touches redeemed the whole planet.  One of ours messed it up.   He could have said “stay away from me!”  Instead He said “God wins!”

God touches pain first if you ask Him.  God touches pain always if you let Him.  He loves you so much.  He loves me so much.  That’s who He is.  I’m with Jesus and every part of my broken body is with Jesus.  Re-purposed pain.  I just heard all of us breathe a sigh of “yep” again.   I’m pretty sure Jesus was in on that “yep!”

 

“Be still and know that I am God.”   Psalm 46:10

“Cast all your cares upon him; for he cares for you.”  1 Peter 5:7

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him.”  Romans 15:13

Today I lived and breathed and it was enough because I did it for you.

How often do we climb in bed wondering why the hours were fast and we weren’t faster?  How often do we live for wishing there was more time to get the undone done?  Mr. “more hours in my day” has set up camp in our spirit and thus we run and done all day as if chasing the sun’s kiss on the moon.  The more I figure out God (and I’m a long way off in the annual membership “work-in-progress” tribe), the more I discover a day is plenty long enough because, whatever the day is, He gave me what I needed for it.  Not for my most, but for my best.  I may not fully agree or see it that plainly, but that doesn’t mean He didn’t do it smartly and sufficiently and do it lovingly for me.  The more I figure out God, the more I figure out I’m not right about a lot of things.  He is.  I don’t need to be a queen of quantity to have pulled success out of the day.  I don’t need to be on list probation if every item on the list isn’t taken care of by taco night.  I don’t need more hours in my day.  That’s a big deal to say and even bigger to admit.  Why?  I’m a woman and we never say (or agree) there doesn’t need to be more hours in our day, plus our self-guilt doesn’t allow us not being queens of quantity.  We drive on “most” instead of best a lot of the time because we think life needs us to.  We reel on crashing into bed announcing to the worlds in our head and all surrounding planet life that we needed a couple more hours to get it done.  We say this while crashing from running errands, being all things mom, wife, and person, tending to our needy patients, helping grow our students, and having just come from switching the wet load to the dryer so it can dry while we fall asleep and everyone can have clean underwear in the morning.  Guys, you’ve stretched the day longer too and it’s no less true in your spirit.  You should have nailed the meeting even better or made time to fix the faucet.  You should have logged one more report, added in one more patient, hammered one more nail, or made one more dollar than you did.  You never answered all your email, didn’t get all your lessons graded, and showed 10 minutes late to watch your kids game.  You climbed into bed feeling less man and more mass for yourself, family, or workplace.  In this day and age, teens stay up til 1 AM to pull more hours out of the day.  Where can they find more time to get all 8 classes studied and done with emphasis on some for next-day 40% of my grade tests?  How can they fit practicing with the team, logging enough driving hours, and getting their music rehearsal all done in the day?  Add in student meetings, friend gangs and hangs, family chores, social media pressure, and fast eat and run foods all added in to “more hours needed in my day.”   It’s hard.  It’s hectic.  And it’s here.  This isn’t a litany of pity or a throng of negativity.  It’s life on the go for many.  Most is louder than best, or so it feels.  Sometimes there’s unspeakable joy in the midst of it.  Sometimes there’s unspeakable stress at the end of it.  What’s the answer?  What’s the key to the run and done day?

Maybe we’re wrong.  Maybe God is right.  Days are perfect in their hour amount.  Maybe we’re not perfect in our outlook or plan through them.  Maybe I’ve got an attitude about life’s day.  I hope not, but I hang in admission when truth rings the possibility.  Maybe I’ve changed His day to mine.  Maybe I should change it back.  If you’re like me, you’re sitting there reading this and telling yourself you’re not sure how to change it back to your best or back to Jesus.  You’re thinking “I’m already doing my best with all my mosts and Jesus understands that.”  You’re not wrong.  We are doing our best.  We’re also wanting more hours in the day to do it.  We’re not content.  Life is still time consuming life and stuff is still undone stuff.  How does one change it back to better and best in Jesus?  I want to, but it’s hard when His momentum is from beautiful Heaven and mine is on bustling earth.  The two are quite different.  Are you that basic too?  Have you unbeautifully disconnected earth and heaven’s momentum too?  I love my Holy Jesus and wish I could live all day being blissfully His with praise music and green nature abounding at the park, but I’ve got all day to get done and there’s no chirping birds on my list of have-to’s today.  Attitude.  Outlook.  Not my best because of all my mosts.  My most isn’t my best dear reader.  I’m guessing neither is yours at times.  Jesus isn’t living in beautiful Heaven detached from bustling earth. He’s living because of you.  He’s living for you.  Are we connecting that?  And if so, are we living for Him too?

In the past couple weeks while mulling thoughts on a new blog and not sure what to zone in on or when to find time to hone my craft for Christ, I came across an every-day word one afternoon and instantly loved it.  It’s not a flashy or splashy word, I just saw it different.  It’s not an uncommon or unusual word, I just heard it better.  My eyes caught it for several minutes and I tilted my head as if I could think better in some kind of ponder pose.  You’ve done it.  You know.  I think this word is our new “best.”  I think this word is our new hook for hours well spent.  Today.  The word is “today.”

One TODAY Friday afternoon you died on a cross and it was enough because you did it for me.

One TODAY Sunday morning you rose again and it’s enough because you did it for me.

Every TODAY you’re taking care of me, understanding me, loving me because you made me best.

My TODAY is enough because I’ll do it for you, not time, not me.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Help.  You’re right.  More hours in my day isn’t needed.  More Jesus in my hours is.  Take over whatever you need to in me.  I’m a busy girl, please help me pick the right busy for you.  You know better than me where to start and what to start with.  Take over whatever you need to in me.  Change me back to my best instead of my most.  Change my heart O God.  

Your Little Girl.

 

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.”  2 Corinthians 9:8

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us”  Ephesians 3:20

“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”   John 10:10

Do you ever wonder what God is doing?  I do.  I guess some would tell me that’s faithless.  Stop blogging, you have no faith.  Some would tell me faith is not wondering what God is doing and the inner wonderer needs to believe better.  Stop blogging, you have too little faith.  Is it that simple, believe and stop there?  Are we freeing up full throttle faith to believe “in” God and not wonder “about” God?  I believe freeing up full throttle faith means freeing up questions to God’s face.  I believe wondering about God is as faithful as believing in God.  Why?  Because being in pursuit of God with questions means releasing a part self to go deeper.  Because being in pursuit of God is being real with where we’re really at with Him.  Feet of faith are crucial, but even the strongest person has asked the question, what is God doing and what is He thinking for answering the way He is.  Doesn’t He get the gravity of my situation, my prayer, my need?  Isn’t he tired of me having to put up with satan’s antics and isn’t He God of all stuff?  Faith finding.  Feet of faith are crucial, but not everyone has them without feet of feelings to go with them.  Not everyone has them without a suitcase of unanswered prayers and hard times backing their angry or stubborn stance.  Not everyone has them without doubting someone they can’t see.  Whether you’re a faith giant or faith baby, or perhaps a faithless life “wondering” for the first time, it’s big to put yourself out there.  And it’s big to decide where you’re at and what you think.  We’re talking about God so the answer that comes to any stage can shape the future of that faith for a time.  We’re also talking about satan living around here so it’s a vulnerable shoe-in for him if he thinks we’re out faith finding.  He’s out faith flopping.  Do you ever wonder what God is doing in your life?  Do you ever wonder what He’s doing in your family and friend’s lives that you don’t get?  You should wonder.  Wonder to grow and find answers.  Find out.  Find out if you have “filler faith” in your life or faith on fire.  Find out which one feels better to you.  Faith is radical and you should find out.  Tabling it doesn’t make the wonder go away.  Tabling it doesn’t make the hard-times suitcase any lighter or the God-doubt lessoned.  Tabling it doesn’t make God different, it only makes you deferred.  Go faith finding dear reader.  I am too.  There’s no “one size fits all” way to go God-wondering and faith-finding.  It’s your finding to do and your questions to ask God.  Don’t compare yourself to the faith stage of other people.  They’re as human as you inside and you aren’t them.  One of the things I’ve found as I’ve met my inner wonder is that faith isn’t for the power of me, it’s for the empowerment of God in me.  That relieved me.  My power will never change in or out of faith, but God’s empower will in it.  He’s the power source.  If I’m having a weak day, His power continues strong and holds me.  I believe when we seek the faith-giver with wonder and finding, we’re empowered to get God’s faith and it loosens our struggle to just “have ours on file” when we “need it on cue.”  Can we wonder and do faith without ever a doubtful day?  That would be a no and we need to release the expectation of that.  Pain happens and hurts, answers become no’s, and situations become devastating and disastrous.  I don’t have any more answers than you with that and I’m dismayed and confused too.  All I can say is that in that doubtful day,  I believe it’s not a “faithless” day we’re having, but rather a dependent day we’re needing.  Lean in more to God, less to Satan, and feed your soul with a beckoning dependence instead of blame your soul for a tired faith.  Free pressure to put faith on performance and free God to empower Himself in you when it’s dark.  When you do that, tired faith becomes true faith and you free God to be God instead of bondage yourself in “stuck-prison.”  Can we wonder and do faith with lots of mountain top days?  That would be a yes and we need to find joy in the expectation of that.  In those days, pain is relinquished, answers become God-style yes’s, and situations become promising.  In those mountain days, I believe it’s not a strong faith of “I’m getting my way today” we’re enjoying, but rather a strong “I’m trusting God today” we’re surrendering in faith.  Go God-wondering and faith-finding.

I’ve been going through some changes in my life and this morning I took faith-finding and God-wondering to my knees and asked God to be the pray-er.  I asked that He take the reigns of “us” today.  I’d like to blog with Him talking.  Come inside my heart’s imagination as I write this morning.  Come inside your own moment with God and freely wonder away.  You’re welcome here.  You’re questions are wanted here.  You’re faith stage is accepted here.  Find love.

“God, you got a lot of people wondering about this faith thing.”

“I’m so touched my child.”

“But we’re not touched God.  We wonder what you’re doing.”

“Let’s talk.  I’m in.”

“You’re not offended we’re wondering about you?”

“Satan is offended.  I’m excited.  I’m in.”

“You’re not disappointed we aren’t treating you as ‘God’ and not stopping at believing? You’re ok with God-wondering and faith-finding?”

“You are treating me as God.  You’re taking your time to ask me who I am. You’re putting your faith to pursuit.  As my kids would say in today’s world, that’s awesome!”

“Can you help us with “What are you doing God?’ And nice use of ‘awesome’ there God!”

“It would be my joy.  I’m fulfilling my call in you my love.”

“What is your call of me?  Can you do that and prevent pain for me at the same time?”

“My call of you is to love.  It is not my prevention of pain that will comfort you, it’s my working in your pain that will comfort you.”

“But that’s one of the inner-wonders I have about you.  Why does there have to be pain in my path instead of just faith in my life?  It feels like I would have easier faith in YOU if you didn’t let me or my loved ones get in pain.  It’s hard to do you and pain together, and when you’re God I have to figure that combo out.”

“I am so moved.  I want you to know me and I love your pursuit of me.  I like this inner-wonderer inside you.  Keep it up!  Honey, this is something a lot of people struggle with.  You’d be surprised even the “big guns” of faith struggle with this.  The first time babies of faith, the long time pillars of faith, and the complacent faith-fillers are asking this.  I’ve even had “window-shoppers” of faith ask this.  It’s the faith on fire thing we’re trying to get to and that’s hard for everybody!  Faith isn’t “easy” and I understand the struggle you’re describing.  The pain in life comes from satan, not me.  Could I prevent pain?  I can’t prevent people making choices to hurt other people.  I can’t prevent satan from being satan and hurting the world right now.  I feel the pain with you.  My love didn’t make it this way and I’m so sorry my dream of painless for you is yet to come.  The big key is it will come and until it does I’m right here in the midst of it with you using it to show you my grace and push you to strength. I am God before, during, and after ALL things for you and I will move with the power of thunder to take care of you within it and I will move with the speed of fierce to come get you and replace pain with all eternity.  Satan will be done whether he’s done or not because I’m coming and he’s leaving.”

“God-wondering question?  Who are you and are you real?”

“I’m the God of all life and land and I’m very real honey.  I’m also very yours.  I made you and your family and the sun you live under.  I’m enormous power and grace, both in equal measures.  Nobody else with that combo!  I’m the winner of the sin force and I’m the conqueror of the pain life.  I’m the deliverer of your eternity and I’m the redeemer of your problems.  I’m the star maker and the sand writer and I’ve splayed my spirit out across the land for you to have until I come.  I’m a God with a hug for you and I’m a God with an arm for your suitcase of burdens.  I’m not a “filler-God,” nor a “window-shopping” Shepherd for my lambs.  I’m in love with you and my blue sky for you.  I’m understanding and forgiving of whatever you bring me because you’re mine.  My compassion just overflows daily for your life, everywhere overflowing.  I’m a big big God, but not in a big unavailable scary God way.  I’m the Savior of the world.  I’m your biggest fan and most loyal friend and I care about your day.  I’m a big deal my love.  Pretty cool huh?”

“Very.”

“Sweetheart, remember this.  You can’t wonder too much about me.  I see your God-wonder and faith-finding as our friendship and your interest in me.  I desire and died for you.  Open your heart so I can put faith in it.  Open your heart so I can put grace in it.  Open your heart so I can empower me in it.  You’re not a window-shopper of your life.  You’re a warrior of your life.  Go worthy finding within ME and you’ll find it teeming with strength.  I love you.  You’re a big deal.  Pretty cool huh?”

“I’ve never been a big deal.”

“You’re my big deal, love.  So, my turn for a you-wondering question. Who are you?”

“Yours.”

“Awesome!”

 

“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”  Revelation 22:13

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”  Romans 15:13

Come inside another conversation dear reader. I will too. What would the Shepherd say about our statues?  I don’t know, but I imagine.  What does He do with them?  I don’t know, but I hope it’s better than what I do with them.  He’s God on the throne.  Does He want our statues in the kingdom?  I’d rather just come in need of His comfort.  I’d rather come as His child than the world’s trophy.  Here’s my hearts imagination in conversation.

“Jesus, sometimes I feel like life says ‘bring your own statue.’  It’s like I need to be something more than I am.  Do I need one of those?”

“You don’t need one.  The life I gave you doesn’t say that.  The devil says that.”

“What is a statue?”

“A statue is something people carry outside to make them feel worthy inside.  It can also be an idea people fixate on inside to make them feel content on the outside.”

“That’s a big sentence.”

“It’s a big problem honey.”

“Do you see a lot of people with statues?”

“I see a lot of statues in people that I could help with.”

“What kind?”

“Pride.  Contentment.  Fame.  Hurt.  Attitude.  Worry.  Riches.  Those are some.”

“Those are surprising and not what I think of with being-more-than-I am-for-the-world-statues.  And uh oh Jesus.”

“Yes honey, you have a statue you’re struggling with.  I’m so sorry.  Would you like my  help?  I don’t judge an uh-oh.  I help with it.”

“You know about that?!  What’s the name of my statue?”

“I know everything about you and love you very very much.  The name of your statue is ‘stress’ honey.”

“Ouch. How often do you see me towing my stress statue around?”

“It’s not how often you tow it around, it’s unhitching it’s power that’s comforting for you.”

“Comforting sounds really good Jesus.  There’s not very much of that in a busy mind.”

“I know, love.  It’s tough.  Satan is a busy statue maker but I’m a winning statue taker.  Remember who’s who.  Remember he has a different idea of comforting for you than I do.  I’m the redeemer.”

“Is his idea of ‘comfort’ a statue in the world?

“Very much.  The more comfort people seek in the world, the more discomfort they find in themselves.  His is a manipulative comfort statue and my kids are effected all the time.  They feel insecure and discontent because of his games.  They don’t feel beautiful or strong when he’s messing around.  I made you within me, not within him.   Remember that.  I was hurting for you so I secured your place and won the war a long time ago.”

“You were hurting for me a long time ago?”

“I love you, my child.  Anything that burdens you burdens me.  Anything that gets in your heart gets in my heart.  If the devil hands you statues, He hands me statues.  I’m a package deal with my children.  Would you like me to deal with this in your life?”

“Yes.  Very much Jesus.  I don’t want to stress about stress statues.”

“You don’t have to honey.  I get to fight for you.  I love that.”

“You ‘get’ to fight for me?”

“Yep.  And I won for you.”

“I don’t want my statues or my fight.  Can I ‘bring my own statue’ to you instead of prove it to the world?”

“You just did.  You can let go.  You need to let go.”

“Help please.”

“Yes.  Straight up yes.”

“What if I get another statue?”

“You might.  I’m not judging you my love.  I’m loving you with all my heart.  I know what to do to take care of you and I’ll do it as many times as you need.  You need to let go so I can.”

“Can I ask one more question Jesus?”

“I love questions!”

“What if my statue is weakness to see my own statues?”

“Don’t try to see your statues or measure your weakness honey.  That’ll trip you up.  Just keep your eyes on me no matter what good or bad is going on for you. I’m a big Jesus and I can handle your life. I love your life.  You don’t need or want statues.”

“I’m emotional.  Seems like I need to ‘bring my own Jesus’ to the world.”

“Yes.  Now I’m emotional.”

“Do you have a statue Jesus?”

“I have a throne.  There’s a big difference.”

“What’s the difference?”

“My throne sits in a kingdom of grace and I’m the Savior.  Statues sit in a world of sin and support a decaying Satan.”

“Ew.  I think I’ll order the grace and leave the sin.  Can I do that as a sinner?”

“You’re not a sinner at the Holy Throne.  You’re a child of the Holy Trinity.  We don’t want or tow statues here.  We love you and think you’re beautiful the way we made you.  Welcome home.”

“God is love.”  1 John 4:16.

“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30.  

For quite a few years I’ve been sending $38 a month to sponsor a child through Compassion International, a company seeking to change poverty into prosperity for very desperate and very precious little kids.  My sister and I signed up to sponsor twin girls as a tribute to our late brother’s life and death and to continue his light and love in the world; each of us taking one twin into our financial care.  We found great comfort in loving someone we’d never met because of losing someone who couldn’t love in the world anymore.  The twin girls turn 11 on March 8 and our brother’s birthday is March 7 so it’s a divine love appointment for all.  They live with their family in the poverty region of Ghana, work hard to farm with their families, and rely on us for money to go to school, eat, use clean water, and learn about Christ’s love.  They rely on us to be adopted inside Compassion that insures their safety and loves them.  Whenever I get a letter from my twin I am amazed at what her answers are for current experiences, desires, and prayer requests.  I have not read a letter yet that asks for anything complicated.  In the letter I received this last summer, it reads “she says pray for her to excel in her examination and also pray for her family to have plentiful harvest of tomatoes from their farm.”   She prays for tests and tomatoes.  In a letter I received in October, it reads “her new experience at project was the campmeeting organized for them; she says they learned from the program tent that Jesus loves and protects children.”  Her prayer request in that same letter was “pray and thank God for granting them success in the end of term examination which made way for her to be promoted to primary four, and also that the Lord gives them long life and prosperity.”  I love that one because she uses the word “them.”  It brought tears to my eyes to realize that’s how she thought.  Everything in a poverty stricken culture is a “them” mentality.  They’re in it together making it work and thinking as family.  Without realizing “them” is actually a love word to those around her, she is doing just that.  She’s loving people enough to be a “them” with them.  I also regard this prayer request because she asks the Lord for “long life and prosperity.”   That too caused power to well inside me because in her muddy floor and river washed clothes circumstances, she’s asking for more life, “long life.”  I have no doubt the “more life” God will bestow on her will be full of prosperity.  I have no doubt the “more life” request comes from her heart of love already.  Whenever I get my mail and see a letter from her, it’s the first thing I open.  I’ve often wondered why I do that and I’m beginning to feel the answer.  There’s love in that envelope!  There’s genuine love given and genuine love felt.  It’s the first thing everyone looks for and wants to open in their life.  It’s not the first thing everyone gives from their life.  Alas, it’s heavy to think without our sponsorship, these twins would be outside the realm of help and may question what kind of world would afford them such loss.  Yet with our sponsorship, these twins feel love from a half a world away and give love to a half a world away.  Do I tell you about them to brag and boast of good deeds and money sponsorship?  Do I want everyone to know “my christian works” are loud and heaven-bound?  Definitely and totally not.  I tell you about them because I love them.  I tell you about them because they need love.  And I tell you about them because there are so many of us that are wondering how a world has afforded us such loss, perhaps the greatest loss being our ability to love bigger than to hate better.  UNSHACKLE LOVE.

“Lord, we used to love better.  Why does love grow specific and organized as we grow up?  Why does it lose acceptance and willingness as the world grows on?  Father I know you gave me a hearty dose of love when you created me,  plenty and refillable for what you would ask me to do with it.  Why is it tired of terrain?  It seems like hearty love wouldn’t lose its power like that, nor tire of any terrain.  It begs the question that maybe it didn’t.  Maybe I didn’t come to the holy well for a refill, time with the love-giver, and time to rest in the nest of Christ.  Perhaps the love that was given me at creation was never meant to be sufficient alone without the Creator.  Perhaps it’s why love is tired and stuck.  Is it just me Lord, or is this happening to hearts across the lands.  It seems love is shackled inside where we left it while judgement, hate, and selfishness push out to claim the human race and harness their place in our attitude.  Did we move your hearty love out for something else?  It seems dusty and unused, only filling a small corner where we keep our families and dreams while the rest of our heart allows the world’s robbery and refinement.  Since when was that okay with us, or did it happen while we were busy keeping house with life.  Do we trust love’s work and regard it as riches?  Not nearly enough.  Not like a little set of twin girls living in poverty stricken Ghana.  It falls upon my heart today Lord that so many people struggle to feel loved themselves, let alone know how to give it or choose it.  Life tore into their body and soul and took something from them, then left with hurt and questions they scornfully or cynically carried on and built an un-need for love and a tough inability to trust it.  Ravaged love has gone hungry for so long; the world has tarried on without it and answered it with other things to hide starvation.  Lord, today I ask at the throne of grace, unshackle love.  Restore sight and light it up again; create revival across our land and put it in the hearts of every human being again.  Show us we don’t have to measure what’s hateable and what’s different.  Show us more need than just obvious poverty stricken lands; show us our obvious need to put love to work and love like you love.  Show us we’ve been altering you to fit you in our picky ways.  With begging in my being Lord, show us we are made of more than what we’ve been doing.  Unshackle love and show us we are made of you.  Take the chains of bitterness and bite and break their pushy metal grip from us.  Take over destructive hate and uncover love again.  Unshackle hearts.  UNSHACKLE LOVE.”

“Above all, love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.”   1 Peter 4:8

“Love never fails. . . . .”  1 Corinthians 13:8

I was at a waterfall yesterday, breathing in the misty spray and feeling nature just wrap me up in care.  Quite honesty it had been a long few weeks, very stimulating and very un-nature.  Sometimes life and its living can swallow your energy up and turn you into a heap of tire.  It’s not easy and it’s constant in every way.  I find myself with a list of fussy pressure on myself for how to do it, how to be kind doing it, how to be strong and giving doing it, and what to feel that would fall in line with correct or reasonable.  Sometimes it’s not my energy that’s swallowed up, but rather my “me.”   Yesterday at the waterfall, it was as if Jesus reached urgency to me with His outstretched hand and whispered, “Grace.”  It was if He was saying “Hey honey, ‘my Me’ hasn’t been used up!”   I found myself thinking everything around me was beautiful and it had been awhile since I thought “everything around me is beautiful.”  The moss on the rocks, the unruly branches splaying this way and that, the rain washing every leaf off and refilling the power in the waterfall, the view and smell of it all.  This place held saturation of the mind and body breathing in peace, everything beautiful.  How often do we need something more than notice something big.  The “big” is this, we’re not stuck without the beautiful.  We ARE the beautiful.  We’re doing our best being us, we’re loved by a reigning waterfall making Savior, and we’re made of grace and love.  Can we breathe now?  Yes.  I believe Jesus knows exactly how big and barraging this life can be and I believe it’s why He made our bones and brains beautiful out of His grace and within His love.  If you could hear a towering waterfall moving all your stress aside today, it might just say “beautiful ‘you’ is more than enough my child. Don’t do ‘barraging’ you.  Thank you for using your all up, but ‘my all’ is what refills your strength.  Don’t be alone, use ‘my all’ to live.  Take my grace and breathe deep into my love.  You can have as much as you want of ‘my all’.”

Dear Blessings,

Sometimes I don’t understand you or see you.  I often don’t live you beautiful inside or loud enough outside.  Sometimes you come after hard stuff so it makes you harder to see.  Why do you make me look for you?  Why don’t you blaze in commanding my attention when I need you?  Sometimes you scare me, open new doors when I’m comfortable with old doors.  Sometimes you come before I’m ready, sometimes you come after I’ve waited too long and don’t care.  Sometimes you feel from God Himself, like a breathing waterfall moment.  Sometimes you feel from the world and I don’t know if it’s safe joy.  Sometimes I recognize you when you’re here, mostly I don’t have attention to find you on purpose.  Sometimes I wish you could be louder, yet sometimes I know it’s me who should notice softer things.  Sometimes I praise Jesus for you, other times I blame Jesus you’re not bigger and better.  Dear Blessings, sometimes I think more about Dear Burdens.  In fact, I’m quite familiar with Dear Hurt and Dear Attitude too, even Dear Busy and Dear Excuse.

So today, Dear Blessings, thank you.  I’m sorry.  You’re beautiful and loud and here.  Thank you for taking care of me.  Thank you for being in my life and staying around with your grace.  My life has been far more surprising and different than I thought and I’ve tarried far more with Dear Burdens, but when I think of who I am, I’m me because of you.  You’re a big deal and I’m so sorry I’m just now telling you.  For Dear Blessings, you’re really Dear Jesus.  And so, Dear Jesus, may I use the right name for my blessings and call them ALL by your name.  May I call them ALL Jesus.  Waterfall blessings, waterfall Jesus.  Grace.  Love.  Patience with me.  Compassion for me.  Understanding.  Pushing me through weakness.  Accepting me in all my “doing the best I can” or “not able to see the waterfall today’s”  moments.  Living with me now.  Resurrecting me soon.  Beauty.  Thank you Dear Blessings.  Thank you Dear Jesus.  Ramp and amp me up in this moment.  Open my eyes more constant and reset my focus on the joy in you.  Take over my desire for ease and answers, miracles and stress-movers, and show me my life of grace in all circumstances and in all living.

Remind me I’m living a life of Dear Jesus written all over my time here on earth and remind me I have all the “His All” I need to do it!

Love,  Dear Accept.

So many of us are praying for our country right now.  We wonder what the future holds.  We wonder how the international waves will roll.  Thinking about the nation and its people is at the forefront of concern right now.  For some, it’s a faith and state dilemma.  For some it’s a race and rights dilemma.  Republican or democrat, land and liberty laws, pro something or anti someone, hatable criminals and changing legislations, national realities meeting international relations, or war and wages dilemmas.  So many of us are praying for clarity right now; clarity not only for the issues, but clarity on what our place is at a time like this.  If we felt a structure before of weather and news and church and country and the family neighborhood unit, we struggle now with combining all that into something that fits together and feels together.  The dreams and desires are requiring something deeper of us now, yet is that recognition on our radar and can the “deeper” work ethic exist in our world.  What can we do to press on and live a bold life, one that is bold not only to the strife before us, but to the soul inside us?  Can we fix this?  I believe it begins with a question.  What is the state of the union of our own heart and is there a union with Jesus in it?

“Dear Reigning Jesus.  I bring it all to you today.  The state of my country.  The state of my concern.  The state of church, school, families, finances, and health in our world of lives.  But most of all my Lord, I ask you to start with me.  Jesus start with my soul and take it to a beautiful bountiful place with you.  Remove the stubborn trash and open work.  Show me the responsibility I have to becoming humble, kind, and true.  Start with me Oh Lord and remake my dreams to go after a life in reverence and respect for you.  Take over my conversations with you and create a listener in me.  Take over my destructive opinions and create a drive for positive movement.  Cause me to pray for others like I pray for myself, cause me to look for truth inside my heart before I expect it outside in others.  Heavenly Father, change my fortress of fear or fight to be a fortress of love for you.  May I breathe so much closeness with you that I change the closeness the devil can come to me.  Lord, forgive me and deeply reset me so I feel the hunger in humility and go forth lavishly forgiving others.  Jesus, you know the problem begins with me, the choice begins with me, and the fix begins with you.  Jesus, you know the spirit of all that is only in you.  I need you to start in me and power through my life for me.  I ask for my Savior to touch my soul and delight in restoring my union with Him.  If everything else in my country rises or falls, let me remain in your protection and seek your Holiness.  If everyone else in my nation loves or hates, serves or separates, let my family remain close to the Rock and traverse with truth.  God, start inside me.  Not to change the world, but to change me.  Not to love the positions, but to love the people.  Not to fix the fake, but to live the truth.  God, start inside me.  Start inside those I love.  Start God inside all of us.  Start God in this country.”

Lord, it’s not easy being fearless in the world.  I know I’m called to be, but I’m not.  I want to touch that dream.  I want to be a giant of strength, a giant of living boldly, a big compassion mover, and a giant of beautiful things.  I want to be fearless; an untouchable place for fear to shrink who I am.  Can anyone be that successful at such fearlessness?  Is it possible for a sinner like me to be those thriving things?  Am I alone to wish it and struggle to reach its might?  I want to understand it better so I can do it better.  If I’m being honest, I want to feel fearless about being me.  That’s a tough one.  And I definitely want to feel fearless about who you are.  That’s a big one.  I like that one.  Yet, when big things happen like life and death and hurt and calamity, where does “fearless” take it’s place in my life?  How do I do “fearless” in all circumstances?  Lord, captivate my keyboard and spill the secret on these keys.  Show me.  Touch me.  Empower me to reach the day with new abandon to be fearless as a child of the Holy God.  Humble me to use “fearless” wisely and to only use it in step with you.  A fearless Christian, fearless woman, and fearless life.  Above all, open my ears to what it is to you.  That’s what I want to live Lord.  Head raised, palms wide open, arms up, my reach is hungry and my emotions willing and honest.  I’m imagining your voice, imagining what you’d say to me about “fearless” in my life.  I’m inviting my readers to do the same in their lives, imagine your voice to them, and hear your “fearless” in their path.  Reach us all Lord.  Raise your truth up.

“Lord, I have a question.  What is fearless?”

“Fearless is clean.”

“Clean?”

“Yes honey.  No debris in your heart.”

“That’s a strange answer.  I have no idea how to do that Jesus.  I’m a sinner and sinners come with dirty debris.  I have a lot to clean up.  Am I stuck?  I thought “fearless” was getting more umph, not doing less debris.”

“Let’s work on your ‘I’m a’ name.  That’s your first lesson on fearless, getting your name straight.  ‘I’m a clean child of God,’  not an ‘I’m a debris-filled sinner.’  You come with a Savior, my love.  I’m the umph.  No, you’re not stuck in dirty debris, perhaps just fixated on it because it’s hard not too.  It’s tough where you live.  Would you like my help washing it off your heart and letting go of it?

“You’re the umph?  Is cleaning up debris how I get fearless?”

“I’m the umph honey.  And yep, when you’re not tending to debris, you’re fearless.”

“That’s going to be hard for me.  I’m always tending to debris trying to clean the stuff up.  It’s everywhere.  Some of it has mold from the past, some is from current life, and then there’s the worries for tomorrow.  And outside of those life things, I even have debris about doing you and my faith and my surrender right.  That’s a lot to clean huh?  How does “clean” make me fearless?”

“You can SEE me honey.  When you’re not watching the debris, you have clear sight to watch me.  When you watch me, there’s room for my fearlessness to live in you.

“Can I handle being fearless Jesus?  Can I handle what I’m asking for?  I didn’t realize “clean” was part of it.  I have busy debris and don’t know how to clean up enough to watch a big God.  It feels like a lot to handle now.”

“You don’t need to ‘handle’ being fearless.  You ‘get’ to be fearless.”

“I never thought about ‘get’ to be fearless.”

“Most of my kids don’t honey.  Satan doesn’t want it to be an option to you.  He’s pretty good at distracting you from watching me and making you feel like stuff needs to be ‘handled.’  Even the good things in your life.  I didn’t make you to ‘handle’ things.  That’s my job, not yours.”

“Do you want me to be fearless Jesus?”

“I died for you to be fearless, love.  I want it very very much.  So much that I already handled it with my life.  TRUST ME.”

“It means a lot to you that I’m not scared?  It means a lot to you that I’m beautiful and strong?  I always just thought of my life as me ‘living’ it, not you feeling it.”

“I feel it every day.  It means so much to me that you get to live the way I made you.  I made you fearless.  I made you strong and beautiful and full.  You still are.”

“Why do I feel debris then?  Why don’t I feel fearless if you’re Jesus and you made me that way?  Why is it so hard to feel what you gave me?”

“You feel debris because of Satan.  You are clean because of Me.  The world is a tough spot honey and sin makes for a rough go.  I’m so sorry there’s a war that effects you.  But the beautiful part of fearless is that it’s possible because I overcame the war already.  Fearless is not gone for you.  I saved it.  It’s in Me.  You get it through Me.  TRUST ME.”

“I tap into it through you?”

“You live it through me.”

“It must feel good to ‘get’ to be fearless.  It must feel good to not have debris winding and tangling my heart all the time.  I hate that.  It’s annoying.  And it’s tiring and it’s painful and it’s time consuming and and and.  I’m ready to be clean and watch you.”

“Honey, you ‘get’ a Savior.  That’s what I want you to hear.  Fearless is amazing and I want you to have it, but most of all my love, you FIRST ‘get’ a Savior.

“That’s big.”

“That’s my size.”

“That’s not my size Jesus.”

“I know honey.  Embrace your size.  I made it perfectly.  And it’s a beautiful thing to have a Shepherd that’s bigger than you and can handle anything in your path.  Don’t try to be any other size than my child.  And by the way, you have a beauty mark that comes with your size.  The image of me.”

“I think that’s one of my problem sometimes.  I try to change my size in life.”

“Everybody does honey.  A sinful world teaches bigger sizes are better instead of lamb sizes are beautiful.  People get distracted being the capable do-er one.  It makes them feel empowered and secure all on their own.  They like the size of success or money or attention and it makes them feel bigger in the world.  The hurt comes in when the happiness doesn’t.  For others, they like being the ‘handler’ or ‘fixer’ of the worldly and life messes.  It makes them feel needed and un-lonely.  They push the “I matter” button and keep returning to push it.  Then too, the hurt comes in when the credit button doesn’t work after awhile.”

“That doesn’t sound like fearless.”

“It’s fear.”

“I don’t want fear.”

“I don’t want you to have it either.  Would you like me to help?”

“Yes.  I want my ‘I matter’ to come from truth.  I want a Savior first and I want to try ‘fearless!’ ”

“I’m so excited honey!  I love to give this gift!  Next to love, it’s one of my favorites!”

“How do I use my new gift?”

“I lead.  Stay beside me, love.  This is very important.  It’s tempting for a lot of people to feel ‘fearless’ in themselves after awhile instead of through me;  pride and recklessness become an issue and they become weak and discouraged.  You need to use it with me to glean its incredible strength and truth in your life.  It’s so amazing honey!  Remember it’s very sufficient when it comes from me and is used with my friendship.  Talk with me about anything anytime and don’t worry about being perfect at being ‘fearless.’  Your Savior loves you and loves leading your learning!   TRUST ME.”

“Okay.  What do I do to let you lead it?”

“Let go of you.  Choose my Shepherding to love and lead you.”

“Do I give up “me” to do that?”

“My love, you give up Satan’s rot and ruin attempts at you.  We’re growing who you are and moving on to what I have planned for my beautiful creation in you!  Your “me” is about to be vibrant and strong.  Your “me” is now our “we”.”

“That sounds like my very own Jesus team.  Am I clean of debris now?  Cuz we gotta do that too.”

“You’re with me now.  I’m clean.  That makes you clean.  And honey, when more debris comes, I will use it to take care of you.  That’s where it gets vulnerable and hard, but very important.  I will use it to move and mold your life more. TRUST ME.  I’m still in control and I’m always there, debris or not.  Don’t doubt.  Watch me instead of the debris.  We’re getting ready to do a lot with fearless for you.  It’s more intimate and intricate and caring than you realize.  That’s why I’m the pro at it.  The leader of your ‘very own Jesus team’.  TRUST ME.”

“Everybody needs a Jesus like you.  I like you.”

“I love you.”

“I’ve never been loved like this.  You care about me being fearless, not just about me being alive.”

“Very much.  I didn’t just create life to create life.  I created you to thrive with me.”

“I could use some ‘thrive.’  Can I sign up for that too?  Thrive and fearless classes.”

“Honey, you get it ALL when you get a Savior.  That’s the key.  I’m the Savior.  Do you want me?”

“I hunger for you Jesus.  I totally hunger for you.  Yes please.”

“I hunger for you too honey.  I always have.”

“Always?”

“From ‘In the beginning’.”

“I was ‘in the beginning’ Jesus?”

“You’re starting to get it.  I want you.  I love you.  I’m making heaven for us to live together.”

“I’m waiting for you.”

“I’m with you now.  Don’t wait, enjoy me now.  I’m the Almighty Holy Savior who enjoys and loves you more than you understand.  You are not alone my love.  I’ve been taking care of you since you were born.  And love, when I do come get you, you’ll see some God-size “fearless” explode across the sky in a billion holy angels and a sparkling saving throne and your eyes will fill with tears when we meet.  Mine too.  You’ll be home. For now, be fearless in me. You’re beautiful inside and out.”

“I TRUST YOU.”

If we were to talk with our Shepherd, if we could hear His voice in our path, what would He say?  Does Jesus really know us?  I’m bowing my body and mind today, knees crumpled, head down in need and honor of the Holy God, and imagining my Savior’s voice.  It’s been too long.  I bet my scribbles and scrambles barely scratch the surface of the might and beauty of His voice.  Nevertheless, come inside to my imagination, to my conversation, to my surrender. I’m learning to praise.

“I want you to write a piece that praises me.”
“Okay Jesus.  But how do I do that?”
“Live your life for me.”
“But that’s not really writing.”
“The piece I’m asking you to write is your lifetime.  Live a story that praises me.”
“But how do I live a story that praises you?”
“Say my name often to yourself.”
“But that’s not really praise.”
“It is.”
“But what then Jesus?”
“Trust my name often to yourself.”
“But that’s not really praise.”
“It is.”
“I’m confused.”
“I’m teaching you to use MY NAME in your story instead of your own.  I’m teaching you to trust me in your story instead of trusting yourself.”
“But is that praise?”
“Yes.”
“But how?”
“When a child uses my name in their breath, I’m praised in their life.”
“But I’m a needer much more than a praiser.”
“You just praised me.”
“But how?”
“You told me your weakness.  You let it out to me.”
“But all I did was admit I’m not good at praising and very good at needing.”
“Exactly.”
“But if that’s praise, I need to ask you something else.”
“Anything.  I’m listening honey.”
“I’m not sure I’m strong enough?”
“Don’t measure your life by your strength. Measure it by mine. That’s praise.”
“I’m not sure I’m loving enough?”
“Don’t measure your life by your love.  Measure it by mine.  That’s praise.”
“But how do I do that?”
“Ask.  And by the way, you just praised me again.”
“But how?”
“You asked me how to love.”
“But I’m just trying to learn.”
“Exactly.  That’s writing a story that praises me.  When you bring your need of learning to me, it’s praising my ability to answer.  When you tell me about your weaknesses, that’s praising my ability to be trusted.  And honey, you sure have a lot of ‘but’s’!”
“I feel a lot of ‘but’s’ Jesus.  Life is hard. You noticed that issue huh?”
“Yes.  I’ve been watching it for awhile.  Do you want me to fix it?”
“Yes. How long will it take to fix me?”
“We’re not fixing you honey.  We’re fixing “it” and we’re restoring YOU.  That’s my favorite part.  It’s so fun to restore you!”
“I got lost didn’t I?”
“You got hurt my precious lamb. Not lost.”
“You’re sure not like everybody else.”
“Nope.  No one else is a Savior.”
“I feel like giving up sometimes.”
“Don’t give up.  That’s not you thinking that.  That’s satan messing with you. He’s pretty good at convincing you you’re being productive to quit or solve or think or do the problem.  He does it to my people all the time.  He wants you stranded without my voice.”
“Who’s Satan?”
“He’s the one who’s mad at me.  He’s taking it out on you.”
“Why is he taking it out on me?”
“He knows you’re under my wing and doesn’t want you in my glory.  He’d rather you be on his team.  He gets kind of loud.  Ignore it.  FOCUS ON ME.”
“He’s pretty loud and big at fighting me.  I can’t fight him back very good.”
“It’s not your job to fight back.  It’s not your fight.  I already won for you, love.  I saw that coming a long time ago and I nailed it, literally.  He’s mad about that.  Don’t worry about him.  FOCUS ON ME.”
“Is he the one who makes me worry and struggle sometimes?”
“Yes.”
“Is he the one who makes my loved ones worry and struggle sometimes?”
“Yes.”
“Is he the one who makes it hard to enjoy my joy and love my energy?”
“Yep.”
“He’s a jerk.”
“He’s lost. But you’re not. I’m right here honey. FOCUS ON ME.”
“He didn’t die for me did he.”
“No. I did my love.”
“He doesn’t love me does he.”
“No.  I sure do.”
“He’s not safe.”
“Definitely not. But you are.  FOCUS ON ME. No matter what he does, I’m still in control.  You’re the one with a king’s promise, not him.”
“So, praising you is having this conversation with you and spilling my guts and questions?”
“Yep. Spending your time to tell me stuff is praising me.  It’s opening your heart to me.”     “I don’t need to hide stuff from you do I?”
“I knew you first my love. You just need to know me now.”
“Okay.  You can come in my heart again.”
“I never left.”
“Why not?”
“Because I love you honey.  You’re my child and I’m your savior.”
“My savior?”
“Very much so honey.  I watch out for you, go before you, and make sure you’re safe.  I hurt when you hurt, but I also use my power to push you forward when it hurts. I hate sin too, but I promise you’re not ever alone.  You’re in my hands.  You and your life means so much to me that I chose it, created it, and saved it.  I won’t feel heaven is complete without you there my love.  I adore you.  You’re not stuck in this world without a plan.  You’re just made for mine. FOCUS ON ME.”
“I must be worth a lot to you.  I sure get stuck on what I’m not worth to me or other people.”
“That’s satan again.  He’s convincing you that junk is productive.  He’s just mad.  Let me have his junk and you just FOCUS ON ME.  You’re worth my very life and I’m the very king.”
“I can’t comprehend a king person being a savior to me and dying for me.”
“Start comprehending honey.”
“When will I see you?  When are you coming for me?”
“Trust that I’m with you now.  The rest will come sooner than you think.”
“Until the rest comes, will you help me with my life.  I need to pay some big bills today, I’ve got a child to raise and her ankle hurts by the way, I’m working at the office today, the government is shutdown so there’s a lot of mad people, and a friend needs my help.  Plus I saw a lady at the store who’s really lonely, but she smiled big at me.  Can we do something for her. Oh and I need to do some praise practicing for you and figure out how to not stress about stress.”
“Let’s get those things done today love. FOCUS ON ME.  First thing up, you need to eat before we roll.”
“You care about that?”
“Very much.  How about some toast and strawberries?  They’re healthy for you.”
“You’re a soothing voice.  It’s like I’ve been making you too hard and me too much.”
“You’re in a tough world love.  But I’m right here. Give me control and trust me. I’d love to bless you.”
“It sure takes a lot of energy to control my life.  Sounds like you know how to take care of me.  I’d like to try that.”
“I want you to too. FOCUS ON ME.”
“How do I remember ‘focus on me’ when it gets tough and tiring?”
“Ask.”
“Will you take care of me?  Will you write your name in my story every day?  Will you make sure it’s on every page?  Make “Jesus” my praise word today.  Make “Jesus” my trust word today.  Make “Jesus” my productive word today.  Keep Satan out.  Keep Jesus in.  All surrender.  No “but’s.”
“Done.”
“One more thing Jesus.”
“As many things as you want honey, I’m not going anywhere, I can talk all day.”
“Will you help me praise you to other people too?  I wonder if they’re like me.”
“Done.”
“Thank you Jesus. I’m going to stay on my knees for now.  I like it here. It’s pretty soothing and energizing!”
“You’re not just on your knees love, you’re in my arms.”
“Praise Jesus.”
“That a girl!”

“May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and PEACE in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13 

“For I know the plans I have for YOU,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11

This has been one of the most rewarding and difficult pieces I’ve set out to write.  My longing has been for you and I to feel that Jesus came near, held us so tight, and moved us to goosebumps and a deepened truth to start living better.  My worry has been I’m a forever “work-in-progress” with the subject matter and I don’t know how to put that kind of power strength on a concept that, at least in my life, teems with struggle and success depending on the day.  Alas I’ve decided to get out of the way and give it that raw flawed human side so it can perhaps move us closer to the glory of heaven’s side.  I write the piece aspiring to touch our New Year’s heart with the very heart of Jesus about FORGIVENESS.  “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Luke 12:7

Years ago I sat in church and listened to one of the most powerful sermons I’ve ever heard.  Actually, I sat in church and cried through one of the powerful sermons I’ve ever heard.  In the front row.  Poor pastor.  Poor me since I’ve never lived it down.  Back-row here I come so there’s room for all my emotion friends to sit in the pew with me and not make a scene.  It was Easter and he was talking about the Resurrection of Christ, but not in a way I’d ever heard.  He said Christ’s moment of resurrection gave us pause to ask what needed to be resurrected in us.  No one had ever introduced that nor given me that freedom to ask what had died in me and could be restored.  No one had ever given me pause to think I could be put back together with Christ’s energy so my heart felt good again.  No one had ever given me worth to ask myself if I could live more meaningfully and less trapped.  I will forever be grateful for hearing I can ask God to resurrect pieces and parts of my heart that have grown plaque and decay in complacency and sustain-on fashions.  Though there were many things I thought of in that half hour cry-fest of a sermon, the most powerful one was forgiveness.  Ever been there?  Stacked and stacked shelves of dismantled self worth and loss had lined my life and judged my way.  I was not beautiful anymore, not smart or life-built enough, and without worth because of it.   Been there too?  That day in church, I realized I had become a shell of a woman breathing the very nutshell of sin beliefs.  Sin will do that.  It will take everyTHING over and make you not able to separate the pardons from the person.  It will take everyONE over and make you not able to separate the sin maker from the savior taker.  So much had happened in my life and so much terrain had trampled my time, I lost warmth to talk to Jesus and lost sight of His grace to love me through it.  Big mess.  And fortunately bigger Messiah.  He wants me to stand forgiven of myself and call my life and my face beautiful in His sight.  He won’t stop resurrecting that in me even if it takes a lifetime of “work-in-progress.”  That Easter weekend, through the pastor’s words of Christ and my “oh-my-goodness-Jesus-made-you-in-His-image-woman” lightening strike, I realized forgiveness needed to be resurrected.  I was so sorry I’d beaten myself up and so aware I needed to forgive doing that.  Didn’t get that right, didn’t give enough there, or appreciate enough here.  Wronged that person, wronged that decision, wronged that way.  The nice thing about forgiveness is it comes with release.  You can leave the trash at the dump.  The key is to not go back and get it.  That’s also the work-in-progress part.  And that’s also the Jesus part of the deal.  Forgiveness isn’t something you can do without Him.  Another huge “resurrected” moment.  “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Luke 12:7

One of the things about finding forgiveness in yourself is doing forgiveness in other people too.  If their war is anything like yours, they don’t know how to do it either.  The battle rages with sin confusing the lavish of love with the list of lows. People have lost the voice of Jesus telling them they’re worthy and chosen.  They’ve lost positivity and productivity.  Their own self destruction is leading them to destroy others time and time again.  Snapping here, snubbing there, stacking chips of rightness and reason against wrongness and rottenness.  The “I’m better than you” is because people believe that and the “you’re a mess” is because people need to wear that for posterity.  Forgiveness of self and each other has become baggage and bondage in life instead of beauty.  If anything is truly beautiful, it’s Christ’s death that bought us His forgiveness and the chance to use forgiveness on each other in the life He gave us.  What must His face look like on a nail-pierced, side-pierced, crown-pierced resurrection-destined day when His kids are so sad in each other’s heart instead of celebrated in His acceptance.  How can He say any louder “I save and love and forgive you.”  He can’t.  But we can say “open my stubborn ears Lord, I stand saved and loved and forgiven because of you. I am joy because of you.  I have people of joy in my life because of you.  Light up forgiveness Lord.  Light it up.” “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Luke 12:7

Who has not forgiven you?  Is it you?  You’re lonely doing that aren’t you.  Who do you need to forgive?  They’re probably lonely too. What is so stubborn about forgiveness that it takes this kind of power to resurrect it?  It’s not “what,” it’s “who.”  Satan. Devil.  Hell-bound, Evil-Hungry, Lonely Satan.  Misery loves company.  Do you really want to be lonely in your self-depricating forgiveness problem?  Do you want that for those you love and live beside?  Me neither.  The kind of power it takes to lift the loneliness out and resurrect the worthy life is none other than Jesus the King.  It’s not your job to fight a lonely sad messy devil.  It’s His.  He’s got the armor of a King and steps into any fight out of love for you.  He also wins that fight.  Why?  Because you stood forgiven, saved, and loved before you were ever born.  You still do.  Act like it.  Act like it inside your thoughts and worth.  Act like it in other people’s lives.  Act with forgiveness this year.  Make a scene in church about it.  That’s what church is for.  You are way too loved to not accept yourself and not accept other lambs in Christ.  You are truly special.  Truly loved.  Truly His.  This New Year’s, light up FORGIVENESS in your life and walk strong and mighty.  Jesus.  “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Luke 12:7

“God is love.”  Ephesians 4:2 (paraphrased)

“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”  Luke 12:7

“For all the animals of the forest are mine, and I own the cattle on a thousand hills.”

This piece is dedicated to the pastor who lives Christ and the friend who accepted the tears.  

Jesus, you know the star hanging over your birth?  I want one of those.   It’s the star that tells me where you are.  It’s the star that says you’re here.  And it’s the star that tells me to look up instead of down.  Jesus, I want one of those stars for Christmas.  “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

Jesus, you know the star hanging over your birth?  I want one of those.  It’s the star that causes inspiration to follow.  I need some of that.  It’s the star that shines the way.  I’ve lost mine sometimes.  And it’s the star that never dims even when the world burns down, the money runs out, the people go crazy.  I’m watching that happen Lord.  It hurts.  Jesus, I want one of those stars for Christmas. “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

Jesus, you know the star hanging over your birth?  I want one of those.  It’s the star that keeps a promise.  There’s not many promise keeping things right now.  It’s the star that makes me saved.  I want to go home.  It’s the star that tells me everything will be ok because you’re in my world now.  I could use some safety emotions.  Jesus, I want one of those stars Christmas. “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

I’m not good at star following.  I’m going to need your help Jesus.  I need help looking up, help to keep trudging through terrain, help to keep determined and dependent on the star.  I’m going to need your help when I can’t seem to take it all in and need someone to share how exquisite and confusing it is to be in the path of the salvation star.  I need a star leader and I know you’re Him.  Jesus, I’ll need to know what to make of my star; how to trust it all the time with all my heart and how to spend time not only moving with it, but stopping to praise it.  That’s a tall order for a dependent lamb.  Could you give me a star that comes with trust?  I know it’s a big deal having a star.  I want to do it right.  Help me not to put my star over things I want to get to.  “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

Jesus, if I’m going to get a star, one with trust and promise, I’d like the meaning of the star too.  I’d like to put down my problems and put down my hang-ups.  I’d like to surrender my stuff and surrender my life.  I don’t want to dim the star by adding it to me.  I’d like to brighten the view by moving my stuff to see it.  When I ask for a star this Christmas, I’d like the manger and the cross.  I know it’s a big deal asking for a star like this.  I’m a small child asking for an overwhelming gift.  But it’s the only thing on my Christmas list this year.  So Jesus, when you give me my star, I’ll need you to come with it.

Jesus, I’ve heard those stars bring hope and joy.  I want some of that.  I know following the star doesn’t mean easy terrain, but I’d really like to feel the awe of hope and joy in my life.  I’ve lost loved ones Jesus, been through the messy list of life, seen the tragedies of people I love and the world beyond me suffering, and still have more to go before I see you.  Could we stop under the star sometimes to see the beauty list of life?  Can you open my eyes into heavenly sparkle sites for just a sec so I can take in the brightness of the star?  So I can take in you Jesus?  Can I have a star that comes with joy?   “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

One more thing Jesus, when you give me my star, could you also give one to my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, my church, my community?  I’d like them to have stars for Christmas too.  “Jesus stars” for Christmas.  You know what matters to their lives and you know what’s been dimming for them.  You know how to give them stars that come with trust and promise and joy.  Can they have a star too Jesus?  Can we all take each others hand, make sure we’re tightly bonded together, walk the terrain to you, and love our Jesus stars together?  We sure could use it. Could you hang some strong family stars over us?  “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

What’s that Jesus?  You’ve already given me a star?  Where is it?  Why haven’t I seen it before?  My precious child, I placed my salvation star over you before you were born.  Look up.  “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

Thank you Jesus.  With all my heart, thank you for my star.  I’ll try to cherish it more, follow it closely, and trust my way home to you.  I accept my Jesus star this Christmas.  It’s exquisite and I feel loved.  Emmanuel, God with us.

“For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.  And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”  Isaiah 9:6

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

I did something new this year with my Christmas shopping.  I asked Jesus what I should get my husband for Christmas.  I’ve never thought to include Jesus in the shopping part of Christmas before.  He was always the Manger and Messiah and Macy’s was always Christmas shopping Macy’s.  I’ve separated man cave tools and new clothes from Frankincense, Gold, and Myrrh.  This year it occurred to me that a praying wife can include being a praying shopper.  It occurred to me I wanted my husband to have gifts chosen by Jesus.  I loved that.  Is it possible Jesus wants to be involved in the joy of Christmas morning too?  Is it possible He knows how to fit all the pieces together for a perfect gift?  The right budget, the right need, and the most fun gift.  And is it possible when Jesus is answering,  He’s answering more than Christmas gifts.  He might be answering life gifts.  My prayer about my husband:  Dear Jesus, what would your son like for Christmas this year?  You know him better than I and you know what would bring him joy or fill his need.  You know his heart this Christmas.  I’d like to know yours.   Amen.  “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:3

This past year, my husband lost his father.  And in many ways he said goodbye to life as he knew it.  You’re not the same when people you love fall asleep in Christ and all you’re left with is time to wait, a new normal, and a life to keep living.  You’re not the same when you can’t hold a wrinkled traveled hand anymore, push a dependent wheelchair to dinner, fix a memory, or say “sleep well Dad, see you tomorrow.”  The greatest gift someone could give you in that passing moment of their life is the peace of waiting and the peace of living strong.  Love didn’t die, but the person you loved did.  This past year, my husband celebrated turning 50.  His face lit up when Dodger Stadium became his day.  Seeing Orel Hershiser, getting an authentic #22 Kershaw jersey, and eating a Dodger Dog brought a man to his inner boy!  He sat between my daughter and I (“his girls”) and beamed for 3+ hours.  They won the game.  He won turning 50.  This past year, my husband rented a Catamaran and sailed Mission Bay, San Diego for the first time.  Free upon the open water, free from responsibility, and sporting flip flops, sun glasses, and swim trunks.  He also sported a smile and a breath.  Life rarely affords life through sun glasses.  This past year, my husband became Head Elder in our church.  His heart grew with the invitation, but his head grew with how to do it.  We’re all on a journey with Christ, but few are on that journey in front of people.  He’s embraced it, carried it, stressed from it, and loved it.  He still is.  He’s serving Christ and learning to let Christ serve him with help.  He’s asking directions!  This past year, my husband taught my daughter to drive.  There’s something intimate about teaching your little girl to be a lady.  There’s something bittersweet about teaching your little girl not to need Daddy’s help getting around anymore.  And there’s something bonding about spending hours in the car building road rules and real relationships with your college-bound-high school-senior.  This past year, my husband saw hundreds of patients, but more importantly, spent time nurturing hundreds of patients.  They came with toothaches, crown needs, and questions.  They left without fear and with fixes and feelings they mattered.  It’s not always easy to meet people at their biggest fears and it’s not always easy to be the fear-fixer.   He cares about more than their teeth so he takes time to show up at every chair side all day all week all year.  That takes energy.  This past year, my husband and I celebrated 25 years of marriage.  Our anniversary theme became “infinity” and we hold that reason sacred and secret.  It takes time in a year to be husband and wife.  It takes work in a marriage to be present.  And it takes committment in a relationship to be best friends.  There’s many more things to this past year, some not privy to publishing in a blog, some too involved to blog about.  Life is full.  So this Christmas, with this past year in mind, I became a praying Christmas shopper.   Dear Jesus, what would your son like for Christmas this year?  You know him better than I and you know what would bring him joy or fill his need.  You know his heart this Christmas.  I’d like to know yours.   “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:3

I wonder what God would say if we asked him “What would your Son like for Christmas?”  I imagine Jesus to answer “I want to go get them Father.  I died for them and I want to go get them.”  I imagine His list of “this past year” is more incredible than we can begin to imagine.  The world is falling apart and so are the people.  The hearts are choosing sides and showing it out loud more and more.  The call to Christ is more distracted than ever and the choice for evil is dangled and destructive on all levels.  Thickets.  Lost lambs.  Distracted lambs.  Joy-craving, dream-seeking lambs.  God’s people are straining and stronger at altering times.  Angels are working overtime and the fight for salvation is alive.  So is the fight for falling.  We are part of the movement to usher love and courage faster than ever before while also trying to cope with a huge increase in unprecedented fires, wrecking ball earthquakes, massive and varying abuses, sick persecutions, financial and moral corruption, deathly diseases, and very broken lives.  This past year has been full, but what “past years” are still to come before God opens the gate?  God, what does your Son want for Christmas?  And Jesus, I want to go get them Father.  I died for them and I want to go get them.   “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:3

This world is not our home.  And yet it is for right now.  I crave asking Jesus about it. I’d like to know His heart and I’d like Him to take over mine.  I crave asking Him how to give the gift of love and how to bring joy to people.  I crave asking him how to rise to the courage it takes to be a Christian right now.  I crave hoping Christmas morning will be someday soon, but also crave help doing the “before Christmas morning” world we live in. This writer humbly needs the Jesus in these words.  I bet the reader does too.  So in a complicated messed up world, I’m using this season to ask a loving question to Christ.  What would your lambs like for Christmas? I’d like them to open a gift chosen by Jesus Himself?  I only have this world to shop in, what do I get?  It’s in the small things like Christmas shopping we might find a Jesus of detail.  We might find a freedom in approaching Jesus.  We might find a Jesus who loves being included and in turn shows up with more Jesus than you can begin to imagine.  Yes please.  Is it all just stuff under the tree?  Maybe.  But the prayer that went into that box of joy isn’t just stuff.  It’s the main gift.

God, what does your Son want for Christmas?  And Jesus, I want to go get them Father.  I died for them and I want to go get them.  He wants His “Christmas Morning” when His heavenly array of gifts and grace will explode everywhere across the sky and His holy and holey hands will bring us straight to His side.  Until then, His Christmas wish is the same every single day of the year.  To be Jesus to you.  To take care of His lambs.  “Jesus, Emmanuel, Shepherd, King, and Messiah, thank you.  I need you.  I can’t do this dumb world and this hard life alone.  Can you take me to your new world soon and help me with my world now?  My call to Christ is now.  And while you’re handling my call to Christ, could you also let me know what to get from a worldly store that would bring Godly love to my husband this Christmas. You know him better than I and you know what would bring him joy or fill his need.  You know his heart this Christmas.  I’d like to know yours.”     “And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:3

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!”  1 John 3:1 (paraphrased)

“And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:3

If Jesus could write us a letter and talk to us about what’s happening in life today, what would He say?  It’s comforting to imagine that answer.

Dear Lamb, My Baby, Son, Daughter, My Child, My Love, You.

I know you have lots of questions about when I’m coming.  I know life is getting really hard. I’m watching it with you.  The fires are devastating to you and me.  I saw you lose your home.  The earthquakes are scaring you.  I saw your streets and buildings rumble apart.  The politics and famines and financial systems and diseases are taking their toll in your life and you’re getting tired.  You want to enjoy the dreams and joys of your life without anything ruining it and that’s getting harder and more work to do.  You’re tired of “work.”  But though I’m watching it with you my child, I’m also working it heavily and I’m succeeding because I’m God.  I see what the devil is doing and it’s making me angry.  It’s also making me move mountains for you and use my fierce Father’s love to protect you from him.  I’m way in the loop little lamb.  Before, during, and after.  I’m an ALWAYS Jesus.  I know you’re in the world living through, so just know I’m there too.  I understand your fatigue.  I understand your questions.  I understand your faith is one thing and your strength is another.  I understand the world isn’t an easy place to feel joy.  I understand life just keeps coming.  I get it.  I’m your Shepherd and I created you and I get it.  Trust in me and I’ll do the rest.  Joy included.  “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5

I want you to know something.  I AM coming.  I AM in your world now with you.  I AM right here taking care of you.  I AM Lord and I AM Lording over your life and this world.  Just because these things are happening to you doesn’t mean I’m allowing it or leaving it.  Aweful things are part of this world, but not part of the next new world I’ve made for you.  For now, I’m firing back at Satan and bringing you closer to me.  I’ve placed my God team of angels in your path at every corner.  I’m placing my God power in your next step and funneling my God love to you.  I’ve got you.  I’m working in people to help you and I’m placing my thoughts in them so they can do my work.  I’m all over and working on everything that’s happening.  I don’t sleep.  I don’t leave.  I don’t stop.  I love.  I’m an ALWAYS Jesus.  “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5

It’s hard to live without me little lamb.  You don’t have to do this alone.  You don’t have to get tired alone.  You don’t have to get poor alone.  You don’t have to feel unloved alone.  You don’t have to suffer alone.  You don’t have to succeed alone, celebrate alone, or dream alone.  I’m right here love.  There’s nothing blocking your way to me.  I am a good Shepherd.  I can be your Shepherd.  You can trust me.  You can choose me.  You can depend on me.  I’m an ALWAYS Jesus.  I want so badly to hold you in my arms and stroke your face.  I’m flexing the gates of heaven to come down there and ravishingly grab you and bring you to me.  I died and rose a long time ago and I’ve been waiting and waiting to bring your refuge to full circle.  I’m so pumped and excited to see you! “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5

My son.  My daughter.  I love you.  I love the life I gave you.  I don’t love the way the world is.  I hate it.  But I love the ways I’m using things to show you what you’re really about with me beside you. We’re a force to be reckoned with, you and me together.  I’ll be your strength, you be my sidekick.  I’ll be your way, you be my follower.  I’ll be your Jesus, you be my dependent child.  I’ll be your armor, you be my warrior.  When you wonder why or where or what, remember this.  You’re not alone and you’re not seeing it or living it alone.  When you get a “yes” or a win or a dream come true, remember this.  You’re not alone and you’re not feeling joy or living it alone.  I’m through and through and through.  I have gifts in store for you every single day, gifts you don’t even realize you need or want.  I don’t wait for heaven to pour out gifts on you.  I’m on this side of heaven too.  I’m gifting you right now.  I’m doing it while you sleep and I’m doing it while you’re busy buying groceries or teaching or healing or cleaning or administering or giving or crying or learning.  I’m funneling my power and love and gifts to you all the time.  Look for them and look for me.  And my precious child, trust that I’m way ahead of you in everything and I will take care of you.  I’m Shepherding.  Keep talking to me and telling me what you care about and what your worries are for your life and those you love.  Leave them with me and praise me.  I’m an ALWAYS, POWERFUL, PRESENT Jesus.  You’re going to be ok because you totally have ME.  What’s your joy today?  We will be together soon in person, we are together now in your life.  Fist bump!  High 5!  God hug!  “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5

I love you so much.  I love you so so much.  Your needs are met.  I’m here.

Love,  Jesus.

 

“The LORD your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6  (paraphrased)

“Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and forever.”   Hebrews 13:8

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5

Mary, Joseph, and Jesus became a family and Jesus became a Savior the night a manger and a star hosted salvation.  I often think my life met eternity that night. I often think my life met a Shepherd that night.  And I often think my life was loved for the first time that night.  Jesus was in that manger on that night because He loved me.  I don’t know if you’ve given much thought to your place in the nativity scene.  I’ve been thinking about it tonight.  It’s on my heart that I’ve only ever seen or heard of the nativity, but never realized I had a place in it.  It sounds strange and very unworthy to my life and heart, yet it feels like Jesus might be saying, “Of course you’re in it, you’re why I’m in it.”   I’m falling in love with that idea tonight.  I’m nowhere near sure what to do with it.  How could my life ever be that loved?  How could my presence ever be that wanted?  How could the savior possibly feel I was part of His birth story?  I don’t know.  Those are questions He answers.  But there’s one question I hope to answer.  If I were a wisemen, what would my three gifts be to Jesus?  What would my frankincense, myrrh, and gold be?   “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:13

If I were a wisemen, I would want one of my three gifts to be faith.  If Jesus has me in His nativity, I want Him to have my faith in Him.  I’m guessing He’d love that too.  He knows the burst of love and warmth our relationship would have if I put my faith in Him.  He knows how much better He could lead me if I let Him.  I’m learning about it and I’m not always sure what kind of faith goes where.  I’m learning that sometimes faith is asking for the desire to have it or asking how to use it.  When my brother died, faith was knowing God would save him and grow someone else’s walk at the same time.  When my daughter was born, faith was something I asked for and then needed to know how to use it to raise His precious little girl for Him.  When Lyme Disease hit my health, faith was something I had to struggle with and ask Jesus to understand the struggle and make us stronger in.  Whether it’s encouraging or discouraging times,  faith is of Jesus and faith is moving.  Perhaps then my gift would be believing in the faith-giver and sharing the faith-giver with the other people in the nativity.   “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:13

If I were a wisemen, I would want one of my three gifts to be hope.  If Jesus has me in His nativity, I would want Him to have my hope in Him.  For a savior who came to save me, I wouldn’t want my hope to be in money, possessions, or attitude.  I would want to look at Him with breathtaking gaze and put all my hope in Him.  The night wouldn’t warrant any less for such a mission as His.  Am I able to hope in Him the way I want?  I wish I could tell you I always saw that clearly.  Life is distracting and the devil has a way of wanting all the hope on it’s way to hell with him.  Jesus wants all the hope on it’s way to heaven with Him.  It’s a choice.  Hope is sometimes the only thing keeping me going.  As the fires raged and destroyed Paradise, California, I found myself crying out to Jesus in hope.  Please Jesus, give them hope in you!  That was my nativity place.  When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, please Jesus, give her hope in you!   And when I stood at the alter marrying my husband, please Jesus, give our marriage hope in you!  Whether it’s encouraging or discouraging times, hope is of Jesus and hope is moving.  Perhaps then my gift would be believing in the hope-giver and sharing the hope-giver with the other people in the nativity.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:13

If I were a wisemen, I would want my greatest gift to be love.  If Jesus has me in His nativity, I would want Him to have my love for Him.  All of it.  Messy or magical.  Hills or valleys.  All of it.  This gift is the one I’ve thought the most about.  Falling in love with Jesus.  Falling in love with who He is.  Falling in love with being with Him at the nativity.  There are times in my life I’ve hungered and craved seeing His face because I wanted to see His eyes.  I’ve desperately needed to see His eyes.  Pools of love and compassion are there and I’ve never seen it. It’s the first thing I want to see when He rips through the clouds to deliver us.  Love.  Sometimes I think we could never feel as loved as we really are.  We long to feel loved by people and we are forever disappointed in imperfect love, not enough love, or absent love.  We long to feel this greatest gift from each other.  We get married, raise children, do school life, play, love our careers, and adore our homes, but somewhere in there, “enough love” is still a mystery.  Why?  Perhaps because we didn’t show up at the nativity to learn about love.  Perhaps because we didn’t realize we had a place in the nativity scene.  Perhaps because we didn’t accept or see our need for the love story laying in the manger.  There are many times I’ve struggled with a grudge I’m not proud of or an attitude I’m not using well.  Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to do life, let alone do it with love.  There are other times I’ve wanted to spill streams of clean water and layers upon layers of warm food over deprived and wounded people to make their world a better place and show up to love them.  I find total joy in mending broken people.  I find total remorse in causing someone brokenness.  I’m figuring out love.  So is the world.  We have struggling churches and struggling countries.  We have so much twitter hate and media mangling.  We have fires, shooters, and disasters.  We are far from the nativity scene in our world.  But we don’t have to be far from the nativity scene in our lives.  The gift of love.  Whether it’s encouraging or discouraging times, love is of Jesus and love is moving.  Perhaps then my gift would be believing in the love-giver and sharing the love-giver with the other people in the nativity.  Perhaps the greatest gift to Jesus would be to show up at His nativity and take my place within His story.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:13

Faith, Hope, and Love.  They’re tall orders for a humble unworthy girl to bring.  Perhaps the gift to Jesus is wanting to bring them.  And perhaps even more, the gift to Jesus is me showing up at the nativity to accept my place within His story.  You have a place in the nativity scene.  Show up to accept it.  Show up to learn about it.  Show up as you.  Take your place within His story.  And if you ever doubt your place in the nativity, remember His answer  “Of course you’re in it, you’re why I’m in it!”   Jesus.  Messiah.  Beginning and End.  I Am.  Lord.  Savior.  King.  That’s who has faith in you, has hope in you, and loves you with a depth you can’t understand.   I truly hope it won’t be long before the clouds split wide open and all of heaven will pour out glory and glitter, the nativity story will come full circle, and salvation will finally complete when we’re in Jesus arms flying home.  Amazing breath-taking incredible Shepherd.  And us, His beautiful dependent lambs right there in the nativity with Him.  Always.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:13

The fires in Paradise, California have raised a new level of shock and lowered a new level of innocence in my life and likely yours.  Stories are truly harrowing and heroic and are packed with emotion that capture the human spirit with quite a strong grip.  Sadness is huge. There’s nothing quite like last years October fires and this years November ones.  There’s nothing so urgently destructive as wind fueled fire and blazing billowing embers.  Black.  Loss.  Ashes.  Lives.  Earth.  And total emergency colliding with total impact.  It’s total devastation.  I’ve heard over eleven thousand structures were destroyed, 631 people still unaccounted for, over 60 deaths, and 90% of Paradise was destroyed.  In our own religious denomination, the church burned to the ground, all 4 pastors and their families lost their homes, and the school lost the K-4th grade building with numerous unknown damage to the remaining elementary and academy campus.  Other churches burned, family businesses of 40+ years destroyed, and gas stations, grocers, and all kinds of offices left in ruins.  The hospital is rumored to have as little as 20 minutes to evacuate surgery cases, pull out IV cords, empty patient floors, and vacate employees, and the elderly were rushed into wheelchairs and put in everything from ambulances to personal vehicles to get out.  People were running from flames with babies in their hands, running into a river bank with loved ones on their side, and driving cars with nothing from home and everything from fear.  God was ushering servants out and satan was ushering sin in.  The fire still burns tonight, the totals are not yet done.  Paradise.  Fires are burning throughout the country and the world in a host of life-changing ways.  Fires are burning in your life and mine.  What kind of times are we living in?  Are we the generation that was tagged for End Time events?  And if we are, do we know the God who chose us for that and are we clinging to His lead and His love in such a calling as this?  “From the end of the earth I call to You . . . .Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  Psalm 61:2.

It’s Friday night and seven days since the fires began.  My husband and I were talking together about the trauma and tragedy of the week and sharing different moments and stories that captured us.  We talked of our friends piecing their lives together after losing their homes.  We talked of the people still missing and the long wait ahead.  We talked of the unbelief.  I shared with him I’d been feeling physically sick and mentally sickened by it all and felt it to be so personal in my life, my dear friends lives, and my faith life.  It’s called a lot up in my heart and mind and brought a newness to what’s possible in the times we live in.  We chatted about those that have experienced shock through tsunamis, earthquakes, starvation, and deaths and how you can’t realize until you’ve been in something like it.  We chatted about Noah’s Ark being a more primitive time and what it must have been like for Noah to be in a boat with the shock of his whole town, friends, and homestead being flooded and destroyed.  We talked about how our world is not primitive today and the world has provided so much convenience we don’t register survival or surrealness as much.  Most of all, we talked of the place God has in all this and when He’ll come.  Being married to someone is a special place.  Having loved family and friends is a special place.  Being raw and honest is a special place.  It allows you to be scared or sobering together.  Tonight it also allowed praying together about Paradise fires and our feelings of future.  As my husband took my hand and prayed with me, something he said in his prayer stuck with me.  I think it will for awhile.  I’m sharing a part of us with you in hopes it will stick with you too.  “Strengthen us in faith now Lord so that when we go through tragedy personally in our life, we’ll be ready with faith.”  Being prepared with strong faith wasn’t something on my disaster preparedness list.  Building dependance on God now so I would have it functional for destructive fire later wasn’t on my disaster preparedness list.  I didn’t think of it that way.  And while fireboxes of important papers, lists of special memorabilia, and the family evacuation plan are good, I can finally begin to put into words what I take from the past seven days of fire obliteration, as well as create a more poignant disaster preparedness list.  Faith in Jesus must be at home in my heart.  Faith must be wanted in my life.  Faith must be asked for to my God.  Faith must be first on my disaster response.  Obliteration of life as I know it is possible.  So is Jesus in my life.  Faith in Him must be at home in my heart.  “From the end of the earth I call to You. . . .Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  Psalm 61:2

I don’t know why God allows fire to destroy so much.  I only know he can bring beauty out of it.  My friends are telling me they’ve never felt so loved.  Facebook is telling me people have never seen so much generosity from schools, churches, communities, or towns.  Clothing, toiletries, gift cards, money, trailers, and open doors are coming in droves.  God is responding to fire with legions of strategic fire fighters from across the state battling from the air and ground while He’s also cuing counselors, cooks, and care givers to fight the trauma with survivors and evacuees.  People are praying that have never prayed before.  God is increasing faith in humanity where a world had blinded it so busily.  God is answering loss and wreckage with keeping trucks running through flames to rescue, keeping families evacuating through windy roads and in cold creek banks, and keeping animals moved to safety.  It’s a long road ahead caused by a very quick ravage of destruction.  But God is in the details of fire, God is in the details of forward, and God is in the details of faith.  We’re helpless without Him.  I feel it.  We can’t survive fire without Him giving us refuge in each other and without us giving ourselves dependently to Him.  We can’t escape the world until it’s time to leave it.  But we can choose to escape the devil and leave him.  We live in perilous times.  We need a plan.  We need a daily plan and a future plan.  I believe both plans have the same two things on the list.  God.  Faith.  Not a faith that everything will be okay, but a faith that we’ll be okay.  Not a faith that fire won’t come again, but a faith that when it does God will sustain and deliver.  Not a faith that’s based on good enough quality or quantity of it,  but a faith that’s based on being real with God anytime by anyone for anything and knowing you can do that.  Not a faith that’s perfect or proper, but a faith that’s willing to start and grow and do that time and time again if needed.  God of love and help.  Faith of accepting love and help.  Live your life, but live it with Him. You are always loved and your cries and joys are always heard.  Don’t fight any fire alone. Don’t celebrate any survival alone. When all the comfortable and reliant pieces of life fall and you can’t return home to your sanctuary, when people are all you have to shelter you and you can’t wear your own clothes or eat off your own dish, and when uncertain futures and plaguing questions are all you have and you can’t answer any of ’em, feel your faith and fight forward with Christ.  Build it and believe it.  Ask for help doing it, ask for help when you’re afraid of having it or unsure of using it.  If you have “everything” or nothing else, have faith in trying faith with Jesus.  He’s the fire fighter.  I’m building my faith too.  I’m moving fires that came, working through fires today, and preparing for fires to come.  But I’m not building alone.  I’m building with all of you.  I’m building with God.  Faith in Jesus must be at home in my heart.  Faith must be wanted in my life.  Faith must be asked for to my God.  Faith must be first on my disaster response.  “From the end of the earth I call to You. . . .Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  Psalm 61:2

Do you have money?  It won’t survive a fire.  Do you have possessions?  They won’t survive a fire.  Do you have a fire fighter in Jesus?  It will survive a fire.  Get close to Him.  Be close to Him.  Stay close to Him.  He’s already done all three with you.  He loves you more than you could ever understand.  He fully and faithfully loves you.  “From the end of the earth I call to You. . . .Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  Psalm 61:2

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. . .”  Ephesians 3:14-19 (paraphrased)

“From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  Psalm 61:2

This blog is dedicated to all the Paradise fire survivors re-building the pieces of their life after fire.  This blog is dedicated to each life who’s learning what faith is and trying to do it in their life with God. 

 

The stats in this blog are not quoted from a news station, story, or publication.  They are what I’ve heard, they are changing, and may not be fully accurate.  

I love you.  Help.  Write your name all over my life today.  Write your name all over my loved one’s lives today.  Write your name everywhere on everything Jesus.  Write your name on me.  “As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after you.” (Psalm 42:1)  Come close.

Write your name on “now.”  Write your name on “what’s next.”  Cover the land and the lives with strands and strands of your holy name written everywhere on everything.  Write your name on the blackened earth and send deliverance in waves and waves of pressing confidence.  Write your name on every saddened life and send power to rip open the bondage of loss.  Let your empathetic tears fall gently to our faces and your majesty and movement rise up undeniably in our soul.  Defeat every ember of destruction and ride through lives with your incredible glory and never ending compassion.  Lord, legions and legions of angels to rescue we ask.  Legions and legions of perseverance we beg.  Send faith so we don’t run low, take over hope so we don’t run out.  Write your name on every single detail and bellow your promise to help us.  Slay the devils hold and hate and raise us up to fight in faith.  Empower us with trust, embody us with love.  Father Almighty put praise on our lips when it’s horribly hard and praise in our hearts when you answer “don’t fear, I’m yours and I’m king.”   Encircle us with your loud Saviors love and soft Saviors voice and call us to be warriors in the path Home.  Jesus Christ, fill in the blanks of our thirst and joy and answer our begging for mercy in wreckage.  Write your name on every life and the hard questions it forces and show us your passion to answer and your call to trust.  We dream of you coming soon.  We don’t know when we’ll stop hearing and start seeing the sky unfold so pour peace into our souls and get us through in might and mind.  Oh Jesus, cross-bearer, love-giver, life-holder, war-winner, tender Shepherd, God of good and God of all, write your name all over the battles and all through the praises everywhere on everything.  Help us and lead us from the thickets to the throne.  “As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after you.” (Psalm 42:1)  Come close.

I love you.  Help.  Write your name all over my life today.  Write your name all over my loved one’s lives today.  Write your name everywhere on everything Jesus.  Write your name on me.  “As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after you.” (Psalm 42:1)  Come close.

Come close.  Come soon.  Jesus.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6

“As the deer pants for the water so my soul longs after you.”  Psalm 42:1

This blog is dedicated to every survivor of the California wildfires.  This prayer is dedicated to each lamb of God fighting the fires of life.  

There’s someone on my praying list, someone on my loving list today.  Though I can’t tell you who they are or what they’re living, I can tell you they need to be on loving and praying lists.  They need help from their fellow lambs.  Life has fallen apart for them and they’ve fallen apart on life.  Do you know someone like that?  Or is that you right now?  It’s hard when a lamb is in a thicket and it’s harder when they’ve been there for awhile.  The longer they’re stuck, the more toll it takes.  It’s hard when the prayers to get them out seem long and drawn and it’s intense when the pray-ers can see hope and beauty arising, but the lamb only sees lost.  God is moving and using it all to take care of us and work good, but not everyone can pray from a thicket.  Some don’t know how and some don’t understand why they should.  They just know it hurts and they want it to stop.  They not only want it to stop, they want to feel joy in its place.  Can you relate?  Me too.  We’ve all had hills and valley’s in this very real life we’re living.  We need to be on someone’s praying list and we need to know we’re on it because we matter and because we’re loved.  It pushes us forward.  Loving and praying lists.  So often the world would have us make other kinds of lists on each other, lists that would divide and separate us from our family of God.  Lists that would push us backward.  Hating lists, ranting, complaining, proclaiming, what’s been, what’s next, fortune, or fair lists.  From Monday to Friday, it’s one set of lists.  From Saturday to Sunday, it’s another.  We seem to think it’s the way to reason or ration or get things done.  But do we forget to love?  Or do we forget being loving and forge our lists?  What do you jump to first?  Why?  Here’s my heart  Lord, take over.

Somewhere around 27 years ago, I was sitting at a nursing graduation when a woman got up on the platform and changed my whole way of thinking.  She was probably around my age at the time and was getting up to perform special music for the service.  Most of the time when people sing, you expect to be moved by their voice and song because that’s what music does so fully and faithfully.  The ambiance takes over the room and you’re transported for a moment, an afternoon, or a weekend.  But you don’t expect to be moved to a message that would define your life and perfectly nail your dreams.  I hadn’t known what my dreams were before that day.  I didn’t have a passion for careers or a path for arriving at my future.  I was new to college and figuring it out at the time and certainly didn’t realize dreams come in “who” you want to be just as much as “what” you want to be.  I realized that huge paramount wisdom at a nursing graduation.  “Who” you want to be is the key to life.  “What” you want to do is the rest.  The piano began to play and she began to sing. I began to feel the spirit around me and change.  She came to the chorus and I could have sat there all day listening to it.  It was the “who” I wanted to be and I was learning it for the first time and feeling the full impact of passion for it.  I would figure the “what” out in time, but that wasn’t first or necessary in that particular moment.  The words of the chorus were these:  “I want to spend my life mending broken people.  I want to spend my life removing all the pain.  Let my words heal a heart that hurts.  I want to spend my whole life mending broken people. . . . .When I see teardrops falling, Lord remind me of my calling.  Help me restore their faith again.  I want to spend my life mending broken people.”   (By Mike Murdock)  I finally fell in love with a passion that afternoon and my heart stirred.  I wanted to remove pain.  I wanted to mend broken people.  I wanted to make the world a better place.  I would pray about how to do it and what career path to take, but the end result was I wanted to be a mender.  Here’s my heart Lord, take over.

Jesus tells a parable in the Bible of a person that wanted to be a mender.  It’s not a long story in Luke but it doesn’t have to be.  It’s a loving story and that’s the point. Walking by a robbed and broken person wasn’t ok with The Good Samaritan.  It had been for the priest and Levite who had separately walked by the same afternoon.  It’s tragic to walk by anyone in pain and it’s even more tragic when people reason that away.  I don’t know what their life included, but it’s clear what it excluded.  As the story goes, The Good Samaritan was a man of loving and praying lists.  He saw the robbed man and dropped society barriers to help the human being.  He bandaged him with oils and wine and placed him on his donkey, then took him to a nearby inn and paid for him to continue getting mended.  He went even further with love when he promised he’d return the following day to pay more if needed and check on the robbed and broken traveler.  I can only imagine what the robbed man must have felt as his physical pain was eased and his emotional experience was mended.  No matter the other problems in his life, he must have felt loved by someone.  I can only imagine what The Good Samaritan must have felt in being the mender.  No matter the other problems in his life, he must have felt loved by God.   Jesus concluded the parable by saying “go and do likewise.”  (Luke 10:37).  Here’s my heart Lord, take over.

I often write that we are His lambs and we are followers of the breathtaking Shepherd.  As my faith grows, I have also come to the bold crux that we are not just to stop our role at following our Shepherd.  We are to lead His breathtaking call of love.  We are to lead loving each other.  We are to take what He’s leading in our heart and empower other people with it.  Pull each other from thickets and push each other to persevere.  We are to boldly create loving and praying lists and hand the battle of the devil and his lists to the Lord Almighty to take over.  “Who” we are is the dream of Jesus Christ.  “What” we do to get there is to be His lamb and lead His love here on earth in whatever we choose to do with our life.  Is your career in teaching?  Teach love and be loving to your students.  Is your career in diagnosing health and healing wounds?  Diagnose Christ and heal love in people.  Is your career in doing laundry and making your kids lunch?  Fold and make with love and instill love in little lives so they can later instill love in bigger lives.  Is your career in leading companies and conducting meetings?  Lead first by leading to Christ, meet in love.  Paperwork, cleaning, nursing, building, paying, or driving.  Make loving and praying lists and change the lives around you by using the “what” you’re doing as a result of “who” you are.  Here’s my heart Lord, take over.

The most important thing I took away from that graduation moment was “whose” I would need to be for the “who” I wanted to be.  If I wanted to be a mender, if I wanted to remove pain in the world and mend broken people, if this was my life’s passion, I would need to be totally the Lord’s.  I would need to choose Him.  And I would need to surrender me.  For most people, surrendering themselves is scary and feels like you’re giving yourself up instead of living your own life.  For God, surrendering yourself to Him is the securest thing you could do and it’s giving yourself the dream of your best life with His blessing and protection all over it.  He knows you more than you could ever admit.  He loves you more than you could ever understand.  You are in the palm of His hand and at the helm of His story.  His heart is ablaze on fire with love for you whether you’re on a hill or in a valley.  Use that up and spread that kind of love in lives around you.  I don’t proclaim life is easy and loving solves every problem here on earth.  I do proclaim life is really full of everything and loving supports every person here on earth.  Mend each other.  Remove as much pain as we can and pull each other out of thickets.  Make loving and praying lists instead of building destructive lists.  Don’t battle the devil.  Lead our Shepherd’s love and follow His heart always.   Here’s my heart Lord, take over.

“Go and do likewise.”  Luke 10:37

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and, Love your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 10:27

I’m big on hot showers, calendars, and always having milk and cereal in the house.  I like pancakes for dinner and christmas movies in July, a large amount of decor pillows on the bed (to the delight of my husband when it’s his turn to make it!) and dipping my bread into whatever sauce or soup is on the table.  I can’t eat a sandwich without chips,  love the first snow, think stars are an exquisite part of creation and alligator lizards were a mistake of creation.  Cake isn’t my thing, growing strong fingernails is a mystery, and cell phones are only redeeming because they have my family’s text messages and pictures.  The top floor in the hotel should cost the least money because it costs the most stomach flops, the top part of the muffin is the only part that matters, and flower bouquets, “thinking of you” cards, and homemade food gifts should come back in style.  My hiccups are common, turtlenecks are awful, laughing at Pinterest is cathartic at midnight, and saying good-bye is as precious and important as saying hello.  Lastly, I think apologies are more meaningful than the apology itself,  clothes are much less important than dressing in kindness, and the work of dreaming is more valuable than the work of dreading but both are necessary for growth.  Do you have a bunch of silly attributes or sound beliefs in who you are?  Do you check them at the door or use them wherever you go?   Most important in our lives, do we realize it all praises Jesus?  Let ALL that I am praise the Lord.

Mary and Martha.  Two biblical women, two real women, and I believe two saved women.  They’re both sincere and serving, but in very different ways with very different opinions from their readers.  I often want to be a Mary because she knows how to worship and how not to worry.   Her love is beautiful and attentive and she’s willing to be messy and real in front of any audience.  I’m learning about that and appreciate its authenticity.  I adore Mary.  In fact the Mary’s in the Bible are my special go-to’s.  I’ll look for them first in heaven.  I also understand Martha and feel sorry for her because she often gets a bad rap for being a “doer” and “planner.”  I’ll be looking for her too.  She feels a purpose in preparing and doing things nice and feels the pressure of busy life.  She’s attentive and loves just as much as Mary, but channels it in busier ways because it’s what she knows to do.  Sweep, fill, empty, make, bake, and wash are Martha’s attributes and they become even more pronounced when someone like Jesus is sitting in her living room.  She wants to do it all perfect so He can have it all perfect in her home.  He’s the Savior and a dear friend of the family.  “Not doing” isn’t an option.  It wouldn’t be for me either.  I’m a bustler too.  She doesn’t want anything undone or un-nice so she’s the one running around being hostess and harried.  She’s being very messy and real in front of people just like Mary, but in a different way.  Unfortunately it’s a way that casts more flawed votes by people than Mary’s way.  Unfortunately she misses amazing time with Jesus because of it.  But fortunately He knows His Martha girl and loves her very much.  He feels the same about you.  Let ALL that I am praise the Lord.

Doing life and doing it busy.  Enter me and Martha’s.  Enter every financial provider or parent.  Enter every man and woman’s career and every student’s class load and school schedule.  Enter every laundry bin or empty fridge.  Enter every broken heart or new beginning and every conversation with a needy friend or changed diaper with a baby.  It all takes time and doing and we’re all different in how we approach it.  I often worry that I should get a bad “Martha” rap because I identify with her intentions and doing.  I identify with serving people in a busy bustling way and pouring myself out for the cause.  I identify with wanting things nice and feeling a commitment to getting it all my idea of “perfect.”  I like the little special touches and going the extra mile to make sure it’s the best I can do.  I like the planning ahead instead of the panicking.  It’s easier to be stressed and organized sometimes than chill and undone all the time.  And in my serving, busy, loving, and raw flawed way, I identify with the exhaustion of not having enough time to sit with Jesus and the horrible guilt of what that deprives us both of.  It’s tough.  It’s right and wrong, ridiculous and respectable to be a Martha.  It’s wishful to be a full time Mary with a full time status.  But there’s praise for Jesus in all of it.  There’s Jesus praise for the good things that get taken care of and done and there’s Jesus praise for the learning to dig deeper in the bad and find ways to grow.  It’s a journey and He knows what we come with.  He knows how He made us and He knows how the world is trying to take us and make us.  He hasn’t stopped loving and certainly hasn’t stopped knowing every side of us.  When we have trouble sitting and seeking because we’re out living and doing, He doesn’t leave.  He knocks harder.  It’s up to us to open the door.  It’s up to us to say yes.  We don’t say yes to the “doing” dilemma, we say yes to the “doing” Savior.  Let ALL that I am praise the Lord.

Life is here and real, the End Times are coming and here, and we are in an era to figure out how to prepare and praise at the same time.  We are in an era where both the goods and bad’s can and should come out praising Jesus.  We’re in a deeper time of growing.  We’re in a deeper time of depending.  Can the Martha “doers and planners” prepare and praise the Lord just as much as the Mary “sitters and servers?”   Families need them both.  Societies need them both.  The world needs them both.  Jesus needs them both.  How do we do that?  I believe the key is to give all our inner Mary and Martha’s to Jesus and let Him have the question itself.  Giving Him the question is so much more trusting than asking Him to give us the answer.  I believe He doesn’t feel any pressure with it or with who we are, but He knows we do and He loves us because of it.  I believe He’s really good at the doing part, but He needs us to let go so He can “do.”  It’s called trust.  It’s called yes.  Give Him the questions instead of asking for the answers.  Give Him the praise in all that we do, give Him the schedule of demands and commands, give Him the quandary of when to sit with Him.  And then say yes with a trust when it’s time.  Don’t say yes to a “doing” dilemma or a “sitting” guilt.  Say yes to a “doing” Savior and a “sitting” friend.     You’re not in this alone.  You never were.  Mary or Martha, somewhere in between, or nowhere near, He loves you.  He loves you so much.  Say yes.  Strong or weak, say yes.  He loves you.  Let ALL that I am praise the Lord.

“Be still and know that I am God.”  Psalm 46:10

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  John 8:12

Wearing socks on wooden stairs isn’t smart.  It’s less smart when the stairs are old, steep, and creaky and the landing below is concrete with a thin layer of linoleum covering it up.  And finally, it’s really less smart when your parents are out to dinner and the teenage babysitter isn’t an EMT trained in stair falling and stitch sewing.  A phone call to my parents and a lot of screaming and shaking later, my little boney 7-year old chin got a long needle and a batch of stitches put in one very memorable night in the emergency room.  A reminder of house rules on the stairs was given a few days later.    A reminder of a scar remained a lifetime later.  Some lessons are learned by doing dumb things or getting in accidents.  Some are learned by being a child and making childhood mistakes.  Some are learned by being an adult and making adulthood mistakes.  Still others are from learning and loving.  No matter what, the resulting scars are permanent reminders of something.  Do you have them?  What do they remind you of?  God in the scars.

Bike-A-Thon’s were a big fundraiser when I was little.  We’d get the grandparent and neighbor sponsors, practice the riding, and polish the bike.  When the big day came, we’d fill the water bottle, get the cool t-shirt, and wait for the “on your mark, get set, go!”   I remember being excited with a little girl’s energy and feeling a stirring of adrenaline in my stomach.  I remember peddling like crazy for the first mile, then deciding Bike-A-Thons were better spent pacing one’s laps if mile two or twenty were going to get biked.  My dad and siblings would pass each other here and there, all the while riding for a cause and having a blast.  The memories are many with my one-speed bright blue bike, then eventually a cooler red 10-speed bike.  I don’t know how much money we made, but I know how many memories we logged over the years.  Besides the pigtails and the proud mile and money totals, one memory in particular stands out.  One scar stands out.  God in the scars.

We were in fourth grade that year and one of my classmates and friends was riding in the Bike-A-Thon with us.  Her dad was there and their family had done it for several years like ours.  I don’t remember what kind of bike she had, but I remember the place I saw her fly off it.  Somehow her bike wheel hit a rock the wrong way and sent her in the opposite direction.  The problem was there was a ditch lining that stretch of road and she went down farther than just the pavement.  She went down head first in the ditch and slashed her forehead and face on a rock while also going unconscious and bleeding profusely.  I was scared and stunned and had little experience seeing injuries happen.  Fortunately, my dad was riding beside me and had lots of experience seeing injuries happen.  I remember getting off my bike and standing there frozen watching my dad fly into fix mode.  This was a terrible accident and I was so impressed at how he knew just what to do for my friend.  I immediately felt everything would be ok with him on the scene because he was acting like a hero in the middle of something bloody and awful.  He was taking care of my friend.  I was unexpectedly being impressed with trust and dependance while watching him do it.  God in the scars.

As time went on, my friends dad came riding by with his younger daughter and he too stopped solid, rushed off his bike, and began hurriedly tending to the situation.  He got down in the ditch with my dad and took one look at his daughter and then at my dad.  Fear just pummeled his eyes and ripped at his heart.  About that time she began to come to consciousness and scream in pain and fear.  All she could see was people in her face and blood on her clothes and all they could see was a little girl needing immediate medical attention.  They worked to determine she was safe to move and then lifted her flat and laid her on the road.  Continuing to work, they wrapped a tourniquet around her forehead to somehow try and control the bleeding, then got her emotions controlled as well.  My dad asked her to move her arms and legs and then answer his questions to insure she was clear.  He didn’t think she had broken any bones, but was certain she had a concussion.  I can’t imagine how comforting it must have been to know her dad was right there with her in such a frightening time.  I know how comforting it was to me to have my dad with her.  Word must have gotten back to the start base because an ambulance drove up, lights flashing, and unloaded a board thing.  People were handling her with such gentleness and precision, but all my 4th grade classmate and I could process was there’d been a horrible accident and she was it.  I kept standing there mesmerized and staying out of the way, all the while stamped with the impression of her bloody head and my dad’s brave head.  She was getting through it and he was making sure she did.  Eventually the ambulance loaded her up and took her and her dad to the hospital.  She ended up with massive stitches and safety observation, not to mention pain and recovery for weeks.  I ended up with an unforgettable memory.  God in the scars.

For the next few years we continued to go to school together, she with a sizable gashing scar across her forehead.  The gash had ripped enough of her skin off at her scalp so she couldn’t have bangs anymore, therefore her hair fell across her frame exposing the scar daily.  She would likely always have it unless she opted for plastic surgery later on.  It had been quite an accident in her life and she would never be able to look in the mirror without remembering it.  Would she ever get so used to seeing it she’d forget its presence in her life?   Only she knows.  And only she knows how many times people asked about it or how exposed she wanted her answers to be.   God in the scars.

I thought a lot about that dramatic incident after it happened.  I thought a lot about her scar in the years to follow.  In a very real way, it wasn’t a totally bad memory for me.  It was a striking and sticking one.  When I saw her scar, I found myself reminded of how my dad took command of the situation and cared for her.  It was such a dramatic accident to watch and I saw my dad’s strength and stability right in the middle of it.  That stuck with me.  She was in a ditch with blood all over her head and he took care of that.  If I had a terrible accident, he would know what to do and take care of me too.  To a fourth grader, that’s impressive.  To a woman now in the middle of a fourth decade, that’s still impressive.  And to a woman seeking God, that’s just plain needed.  God in the middle of life’s accidents.  God in the scars.

Is it possible we can look at scars as reminders of strength instead of sorrow?  Is it possible we can let the hurt part go and pick up the hero part?   It’s an insightful question and we may not always be ready or able to ask it.  We may not always be ready to hear the answer either.  Some of my worst scars aren’t on my skin.  They’re inside my heart.  Sound familiar?  Those are pretty hard to stitch up aren’t they?  One of my greatest ones is losing my brother to Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. I couldn’t save him and didn’t know how to lose him.  I could only lay beside him deceased after fighting beside him alive.  How can you stitch that up?  Another one of my scars comes from growing up.  I couldn’t understand it and didn’t know how to live it.  I could only feel the loneliness.  How can you stitch that up?  Health scars, relationship scars, financial scars.  How do you stitch those up?   Life is tough.  It pulls every ounce of us just to survive sometimes.  It pulls every ounce just to risk happiness and hope at other times.  It leaves scar tissue.  Someone left our life, but not our heart.  Someone undid our confidence, but not the mess they left because of it.  Someone diagnosed our body and treated symptoms, but left worry in its place.  Someone hurt our child, but we can’t do anything about it.  Someone raised the prices on living, but dropped our credit report to bankrupt.   People have one or all of these scars imprinted on their life at any given point.  Gashes on their foreheads, scars on their heart.  But is it possible those same foreheads and hearts are symbols of strength?  Is it possible they’re symbols of a heroic shepherd?  Symbols of God in the scars?  I believe the answer is yes.  I believe scars are dramatic beauty marks that come out of dramatic moments in our lives.  I believe we should wear them as Shepherd marks in our hearts.  Why?  Because He was there to make sure we made it through.  He knew how hard the accident, the mess, or the choice was.  He knew there were injuries because of it.  Every time we lose balance on the road rocks and get thrown into the ditches, He’s in the middle of it making sure we’re okay.  He doesn’t miss any of them even if we’re unconscious to him being there.  He knows the world we live in and He’s not about to let us live it without His protection.  As we get stitched back up and endure the pain, I believe He’s making sure we’re more beautiful than ever when we’re done.  Beautiful because we’re real.  Beautiful because we’re resilient.  Beautiful because we’re resurrected to living with survival and strength and have beautiful scars to remind us of it.  God in the scars.

Is it possible we can look at other people’s scars and see them as strength across their life instead of scars across their life?  Is it possible we can let go of judgement and juries and see their scars as beautiful too?   So often we look at each other’s brokenness as if it’s about being worthy of worth.  We look at each other’s brokenness as if it’s about mistakes or pity.  Perhaps brokenness is about someone being in the middle of making a scar.  Perhaps their scar will one day be a reminder they had realness in their life, they were resilient, and they were resurrected from brokenness and built in God’s beauty.  I wish I could tell you there will never be another hurt for any of us.  I wish I could tell you there will never be another need to  figure out scars and process them as beautiful.  I wish life was easy to process period.  But when the hurts come, I can tell you there will be a heroic Shepherd that will make sure you get through it.  He WILL be there.  You’re His lamb.  God in the scars.

Christ’s body is covered in scars just like your life is covered in them.  They’re reminders of pain and beauty much like yours.  But His scars are on purpose.  His scars promised strength so you could be promised survival through yours and salvation through His.  He’s cued all of heaven that you’re His lamb and to get the gate ready.  He’s cued all of heaven that He believes in you.  You may hurt for a time, but He’s going to make sure you get through the accidents and atrophies of life.  You’re about to see your Heavenly Dad right in the middle of the drama fixing absolutely everything.  He adores your head.  He adores your heart.  Call Him when you’re in trouble.  Call Him when you’re out of trouble.  Call Him anytime and every time. He loves you deeply and dearly.  God in the scars.

“Be still and know that I am God.”   Psalm 46:10

The power is going to be turned off in your area.  There’s been a red flag warning issued for high winds and we’ll be turning off power to keep everyone safe.  Do not touch downed lines because they may be live and dangerous.  Power will be restored when all lines have been inspected and safety can be guaranteed again.  We don’t know when that will be so please activate your emergency plan now.

I’m not sure the exact wording of text, phone, or email messages, but that’s the gist of communication from the electric company this week.  “Power will be shut off so activate your emergency plans.”  This is not a message I love to get.  This is not one of those “message in a bottle” dream moments.  It’s not a good surprise, it’s just a surprise.  I appreciated the safety efforts and knowing communication systems had been set up since the last disaster, but I was not amused with the news power would cease.  It sounds petty and grumpy, but I wasn’t in the mood for a cold dark house with no water, nor was I in the mood for a loss of income and a gain of spoiled food.  Good reasons or bad, it caused stress.  As time went on the first night, the winds picked up and I began to appreciate safety measures and remember evacuating during last years October wild fires.  I understood having no power and I was very grateful for a cold home instead of a burned home.  I was resolved to relax and let things run their course.  But as more time went by the next morning, the winds stayed calm and away.  They also stayed calm and away that night and the whole next day.  Mother nature offered clear blue skies, full brilliant sun, and birds chirping, but no untamed winds and no clips of gusty gales ever returned.  Neither did the power.  Mother world, however, offered frustrated people with quandaries and questions across several Northern California counties.  It looked safe and felt safe, yet we were at the mercy of the electric company to decide.  There was no generator for stress and no generator for frustration or confusion.  There was no generator for interruption of life; emotionally or mentally.  There was only the situation at hand and an influx of ice bags and generator gas being purchased to fix what could be fixed.

My husband and I spent those two days together instead of apart.  His office shut down due to power and my routine shut down to accommodate Plan B.  Time together was nice, but we weren’t able to enjoy connecting.  We dropped normal life and powered up emergency life.  We dropped normal stresses and powered up emergency stresses.  Most of all, we got another reminder of how to power up better preparations for the unknown and where to take an overworked generator to get fixed.  Our daughter learned generators run schools, but they don’t run internet at home to do school work.  I talked to several people who vacillated back and forth from good sportsmanship to bad patience.  Are we ever good at emergencies in private even if we’re good at them in public?  Are we ever consistent in being prepared, and what exactly do we see as “prepare” items?

The one thing I wish I was better at ANYTIME is plugging into prayer.  It’s so easy to get caught up reacting and setting up obvious fixes when there’s an emergency, but I wish I was better at setting up obvious faith when there’s no emergency pushing me to quickly rely on Jesus.  My life has emergencies every day because I’m living in a world of choices and sins, influences and irritations.  I don’t want to fight outside faith.  I want to fight inside faith.  My life needs prayer plugging every day because I’m not equipped to go it alone.  I don’t want to go it alone.  I don’t want to be equipped to go it alone.  I want the Shepherd to do it with me.  My life needs prayer plugging because there’s power of love there and I crave that love and support to push me through. I’ll be honest with you.  I don’t always know how to prayer plug, but I’m slowly learning the “how” isn’t as big a deal as I think it is.  I’m the one concerned with that “how,” not Him.  It’s the “what” He wants to hear.  It’s the “what” He can lead.  It’s the “what” He loves.  Not prayer plugging isn’t an option and not prayer plugging enough isn’t working.  My soul craves something more and I’m finding “He” is the something more.  It feels better and it feels good.

What are you plugged into?  Is it working for you?  When you get to the end of your day, emergency or not, is it working for you?  Does life feel good how you’re doing it?  Are you half plugged into prayer like I’ve experienced?  Choosing Jesus doesn’t just mean to love Him, it means to let Him.  Let Him hear your prayers.  Let Him hear your personal and worldly emergencies.  Let Him hear your praise and problems.  Let Him hear your lack of faith and let Him hear your hard time with trust.  Let Him in so He can be Him.  My prayers have gotten pretty basic.  Sometimes I just sit and say “I don’t know what to say today, I don’t feel good.”  Sometimes I sit and say “It’s Heather and I need to know how to do Heather today.”  Still others, I sit and say “I’m all in for you and me today Lord.”  It’s your time with Jesus to say whatever you want to say.  It’s His time with you to build what He wants to build in you.  He loves you.  Dearly and deeply He loves you.  I want to plug into prayer and praise a lot more often so I can be better at letting Him do all the things I’m not prepared to do alone and all the things He’s prepared to fully do with me.  I want to power up on the dearly and deeply love He feels.  I believe that will fully be my answer to what works in life, emergencies or not.  I also believe I will have to re-commit often when I accidentally come and go from the field.  I believe He will say yes every time when I plug back in and “let Him be Him” all over again.  Dear and deep love does that.

Prayer plugging.  Isn’t there something more to do for life’s emergencies?  Isn’t there something more to do since the emergencies are growing closer together in this world?  There’s only one way to find out.  Try it.  Unplug anything that’s not working and let it go.  Cut the power.  Plug into prayer.  Let Him hear you talk to Him.  Find out what happens.  Let Him hear your family talk to Him.  Find out what happens.  Let Him hear your communities talk to Him together.  Find out what happens.  Move the power plugs everywhere and anywhere and talk to Him.  My mom gave me a card when I was a teenager and I read the cover poem so often it’s been engraved in my head for a very long time.  The last line of the poem*, “be at peace, for God is there, you’re not alone.”   Prayer plug with Jesus.  He loves you dearly and deeply and you are never alone to face any emergency or any lifetime without a Shepherd.  Let Him know you don’t want to go it alone.  Let Him know.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”      Philippians 4:6-7 | NIV

“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”
Jeremiah 29:12 | NIV

*Poem written by Amanda Bradley

The greatest compliment I’ve ever received (personally speaking) was about my home.  I love that and love the reason they said it.  “You’re home feels like a place people come inside and suddenly feel like everything is going to be ok.”  I had never heard that before.  I never realized that was a thought people mulled when going into people’s homes.  I knew I wanted to feel that way about my own home, but didn’t realize I wanted other people to feel that way about it too.  I do now.  For me her compliment was one for the books of my personal life; be a home for someone and create “I feel like everything is going to be ok.”  In other words, she felt my home was a refuge.  Okay, spoiler alert!  I’m sure if her family came by in the morning before school and work it’d be different.  She wouldn’t likely say “refuge” compliments when she noted clanking dishes being put in the sink full of milky cereal, family hallway calling “where’s my phone!” with shoes in hand instead of on feet, and bills plunked in the front seat with “where’s the money!” yelled in mind.  But I leave that teensy weensy reality caveat out of my head and just dearly remember her compliment as their family dropped off some items one weekday evening.  I didn’t even know them that well, but I now know the memory very well.  It’s not often someone leaves a thoughtful remark in another’s heart.  It’s very often someone leaves a reckless remark in another’s mind.  Can our life be a refuge?  Can our life be a home no matter where we are?

Quite some time ago, we were walking around Union Square in San Francisco, California during the holidays when I noted a homeless man huddled up in the cold.  His bicycle of bags and belongings was sitting next to him and he was eating a half eaten sandwich he’d found in the trash nearby.  He had gray holey mittens and very dirty looking pants ripped off at the calf exposing two different colored dirty socks.  He didn’t just look homeless.  He looked like he felt homeless.  I’ve seen homeless people countless times, but for some reason, this guy looked rotted to me instead of just a rambler.  He looked like life was awful and had been for awhile.  My heart went out to him and I asked my family to hand me one of the fresh San Francisco Boudine bread loaves we’d just bought and then wait there for me.  I took the warm loaf and walked over to the man.  “Would you like a loaf of fresh bread sir?”  I thought it was a no-brainer question, but I was wrong and very surprised.  “No,” he answered.  I squatted down and asked “are you sure, I’d really love for you to have this warm loaf of bread to eat.”  He continued to look down and stuck to his answer, “no.”  I wanted to leave the bread on the ground next to him so he wouldn’t have to reach out for it in shame, but I also wanted to respect his wishes.  Homeless or not, he was a person with wishes.  Admittedly I didn’t want to make a scene out of him or risk him making a scene of my well being since he’d already said no twice.  There was nothing more I could do but to stand up and walk away.

I thought of him the rest of the evening wondering why he’d said no in a time of starvation; starvation for love and food.  I wondered what his refuge needs were if a simple loaf of bread couldn’t help even a little.  Perhaps I was right.  Perhaps he was more than homeless, perhaps he felt homelessness in his heart.  If he said no, did he feel safer from shame.  If he said yes, did he feel safer from starvation.  I wish he’d felt refuge from it all even if only for 5 minutes; a refuge from shame, a refuge from hunger, and a refuge from feeling pain of safety burdens.  I wish I could have been a refuge to him, yet it seemed the shame won out and starvation prevailed because of it.  Later that evening as I was mulling him over in my mind, I decided I could still be a refuge to him.  I may not be able to be an acting refuge for him, but I could be a reacting refuge for him.  I could talk to Christ and let Christ know there was a lamb stuck in a thicket at Union Square who needed to be restored to the refuge.  I did just that all the way home.  I hoped the homeless man would soon feel a “home” of his own with Christ planting some angels in his path and some purpose in his soul.

When one way of being a refuge fails, I believe our life can still be a home for someone in need.  I believe our life can be a home of prayer.  I believe our life can be a home of encouragement and effort because even if someone’s shame says an outward no, their heart is saying an inward yes.  Yes I feel like someone cares.  Yes I feel like someone notices.  Yes I feel like someone, period.  I’m a person in need of a refuge.  I’m a person needing to be a refuge.  I don’t always have energy or emotion for either one.  Sometimes I’ve got lots of it.  I’m guessing you might be in the same boat.  It’s part of living and contributing and feeling and it’s part of getting tired at times.  We’re all homeless in one way or another and we’re all strong in one way or another.  It’s what makes us created.  It’s what will make us creations for each other.  There’s so much we can do in a world falling to worry and weary.  I believe we can set up homes for each other; homes of prayer, homes of worthiness, homes devoid of hate and resistance as the first reaction.  There’s a lot of life in someones lifetime, but there’s not a lot of home and refuge.  And let’s face it, most of us are just trying to do our own lives and having energy to be a “home” for someone else is not always available in our enthusiasm cup.  It’s tough and it’s human.  Satan uses that because he’s a broken brutal being.  The Shepherd knows he’s using it and he’s dealing with it in ways we couldn’t begin to.  It’s also why he’s watching over us so earnestly and so lovingly and so very constantly.  It’s why he’s hoping we’ll choose Him for our intimate home so we won’t starve of strength and others won’t starve of encouragement.  We’ll all have enough of both within His very power and within His vast refuge.  He loves us.  He loves us so much.

I say this in a lot of my blogs.  Someday very soon we’ll be going home.  God is flexing heaven’s door with legions of angels and a Son that’s gripping the reins of resurrection day.  We’ll be going home soon.  Until then, the Son is very much the Shepherd here and very much a home to live within.  Let me give you a “one for the books” compliment.  Everything is going to be okay.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:1

“In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.”  Ephesians 6:18

If you could say a few things to describe Jesus, what would they be?   Here’s what I would answer based on the Jesus I’m learning to talk to.

He loves to love.
He loves to smile.
He loves to create anything.  Physical or emotional.
He loves children.
He loves names.
He loves to talk.
Oh, and a bonus one.  He would have loved a pair of levi’s to climb all the mountains and rocks everywhere.  Get the guy some denim or dungarees.

But that last one, He loves to talk.  It’s my favorite thing about Him because to me it embodies all the other things on the list. The guy is a talker.  He’s all in for any conversation at any time about anything.  Why?  Because He loves to love.  He loves to smile.  He loves to create anything, especially life paths and relationships.  And He loves names, especially yours and mine.  Put your name at the end of each thing on the list.  It hits home when you do that.  It’s also a very warm way to do a moment or a day.  Jesus is a warm guy even if the devil has tried to convince us He’s not.  Jesus be not far from me.

There’s a story in the Bible that has meant more to me over the years than all the rest.  It’s the story of the woman at the well.  I love it because it’s so revealing and raw, it’s so strong and empowering, and it’s so messy and moving.   A person’s life is a total disaster because they’ve never found or felt a love that lasts.  They’ve found messes and been left with more messes.  They’ve never aired shame or secrets and never felt safe to do so because of guilt.  They’ve just kept going and living and trying and doing chores for the routine of it all.   They’ve stuffed it all in their life luggage and assumed they had to carry it because it was part of their story.  Life goes on.  Sound familiar?   Maybe to you, but not to Jesus.  He sees a whole lot more than all that junk in your story.  He sees one of His kids in trouble from what they’ve thought, not in trouble for what they’ve done.  Love puts the luggage down, and in the case of the woman at the well, the talking with Jesus is what did it.  That’s what should be familiar in our lives.  Jesus be not far from me.

The woman at the well would have gone on for years like that.  She likely felt stuck with five husbands and stuck without five divorce certificates.  She likely felt stuck with the guilt of bad decisions and the force of finding her way out of them.  She likely felt broke without another husband to support her and lost when she was broke inside.  Most of all, she likely felt stuck with an “I’m not good enough” mind and one very “I’m lonely” heart.  Until a traveling Jesus sits down at the well and craves a drink of water.  Until a savior sits down and craves talking because He loves to love, loves to smile, loves to create, and loves names.  As the story goes, she feels inadequate to give Him water because she bears the name Samaritan and He doesn’t.  But that’s not the name He loves; He loves the name daughter.  She’s learning that in this moment.  She feels naked and surrenders her honesty when He confronts the truths in her life about husbands.  But her life nakedness is not what He stops at.  He’s busy creating safety and acceptance in her and loving it.  She’s learning that in this moment.  She begins to realize He’s not just another traveler and starts telling Him He must be a prophet to talk like this and know things of her.  She begins to find out about living water and listens to Him tell her about never being thirsty again.  She’s riveted, not because she’s feeling secure, but because she’s feeling saved.  He’s busy smiling at one of His kids and doing what He loves to do most, TALK.  Talk about her and talk about Him.  The story ends with one of His most powerful talking points to her (and to me).  “I who speak to you am He.”  (John 4:26)   I can only imagine her dusty face and mouth agape.  I can only imagine her huge sad-to-saved eyes tearing up.  I can only imagine her whole heart, totally healing.  I can fully imagine His talking words.  In my mind He’s saying “I’m here for you sweetheart, it’s me, it’s all going to be okay.”   This morning as I turned to re-read this story in my Bible, I noted a couple things I had handwritten about it in the pages.  One was “Jesus took time for one-on-one talking as well as crowds of talking–that’s a thorough Jesus.”  Like I said, He loves names.  The other was a handwritten prayer I had scribbled in the margin like I so often do.  “Jesus, help me to recognize you.”   That’s a name I’m learning to love very much.  Jesus be not far from me.

What is the absolute truth about your life?   What is the full honesty in your mind about stuff in your life?  And do you know there’s a well you can go to with it?  I would have loved to quietly talk with Jesus at the well that afternoon.  I would have loved to tell Him just how it is and ask Him what’s next.  I would have loved to lay my surrendered stuff all out on the dusty dirt and land straight in His warm arms afterwards.  The woman at the well had a great day.  It was quite a well and quite a well-moment.  But there’s one main reason I think this story is so crucial and special and such a big deal to me.  She was inspired with hope and joy not because she had seen Jesus, but because she talked with Jesus and He talked with her.   The woman at the well was renewed and strengthened not because she had seen Jesus but because she talked with Jesus and He talked with her.  When I have stuff in my life and I desperately want to go to the well to “see” Jesus, when I’m tired from not finding enough joy in this life and wanting to “see” and feel the joy in heaven’s life,  I love to embrace the crux of this story.  Talking with Jesus.  Now.  About my life now.   The crux is realizing the wells are everywhere.  There’s a well at home, there’s a well at the office or in the classroom, there’s a well in the grocery store, there’s a well in the garage, and on the road in traffic.  Wells aren’t just on Sabbath or in the 3 seconds you’ve saved for worship.  He’ll take those too however.  Jesus likes to talk to you and spend concentrated time with you everywhere and anywhere.  You’re His lamb.  You’re thirsty and He knows that.  He’s got wells everywhere in your life, all through the field.  Find  one and He’ll be there waiting with open arms and lots of compassion.  Tell Him about you. Open your life and all the junk and joy of it.  And He’ll tell you about Him.  You’ll find yourself finding and feeling a fire of love that lasts a lifetime just like she did.  Jesus be not far from me.

He loves to love you.  He loves to smile with you.  He loves to create with you.  He loves you being His child.  He loves your name.  And while He absolutely can not wait to “see” you in person and bring you fully freely home and out of the messes, He just loves to talk with you NOW about all of it.  It’s how He is.  The topic doesn’t matter, the talking does.  Find your well.  Don’t give up when there’s someone to talk to.  Your messes are not a reason to hide from honesty with your savior.  He doesn’t give power to your messes like you so earnestly do; He gives power to His ability to love you through them and out of them.  Put the life luggage down and start a new story.  Set up some wells.  Someday, when we see Him face to face, when we rush into His arms and collapse on the greener-than-green holy grass of heaven saying “we’re home!,”  He’ll be the one saying “we’ve had some amazing conversations while you were on earth, now let’s add the playing and dancing and flying and breathing here in my kingdom.”  Jesus be not far from me.

“O God, do not be far from me; O my God, hasten to my help!”  Psalm 71:12

“I who speak to you am He.”  John 4:26

My daughter took her SAT test today.   She studied and studied for weeks doing both normal senior class homework and SAT preparations, staying up wee hours into every night to prepare for the test.  The test that would get her not just into college, but in with a multitude of scholarships for high scores.  The test that would confirm all hours of studying and conquer all panic of college plans.  And in her eyes, “the test of her life,” the test that felt the biggest one yet of her future.  We got up at 5:45 AM.  We fed her a good breakfast, she placed her test ticket and calculator in her purse, and I gave her the “leave it all out there and do your very best, you’re going to fly beautifully no matter what” speech.  And then off she went telling me to go back to bed.   I didn’t go back to bed.  I couldn’t.  My daughter was headed into a big test.  A mother doesn’t leave her child when she’s headed into a test.  She stays up and prays.  She stays up and hopes.  She stays up and waits for her to come home.  She knows what her child dreams of, so she dreams it with her.  She knows what her child aims for, so she aims for it with her.  Good or bad, she’s beside her life.  She loves her.   Being tested in my life is one thing.  I can do that.  But watching my child be tested and knowing what she wants and needs from it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  Being a parent will take you there so many times about so many things.  I have many memories.  Sometimes your heart splits from pride, sometimes it splats from pity.  There’s nothing like it.  They’re our children.  When they’re in a test, we’re in the test with them.  We love them.  Have you faced some tough tests in your life?  Have you wondered if God was in it with you?  Have you lost interest in talking to Him if it seemed He wasn’t?   I answer yes to all of those questions.  It’s not a proud moment of truth to confess.  But it’s a moment of revelation to confide.  Somewhere along the way, the revelation unfolded that it wasn’t God giving me the test.  It was Satan.  Somewhere along the way, the revelation unfolded that the Shepherd was the one staying awake to feel and dream for me, praying for me, hoping for me, and knowing what I needed from it.  A Shepherd does that.  A Shepherd doesn’t leave His child when their headed into a test.  A Shepherd loves and there’s nothing like it.  Lord lead the test.

Lyme Disease is a test I’ve had to take in my life.  Four weeks after my daughter was born, I became sick.  Very sick.  Out of nowhere.  The aching wouldn’t stop.  The fatigue wouldn’t fall.  The fevers wouldn’t lower.  Muscle tone was waining.  So was positivity.  I was twenty seven years old, young for disease and distress.  Months went by and no diagnosis was determined.  I was told a variety of things from a host of professionals.  One said I needed a massage, one said I was psycho and making it up in my mind, one said I was a woman, and one said I was a new mother and not handling it as strong as others.  I said “Really!” to all of them.  I knew different, but I was the test taker nonetheless.  I buckled up and went to the parks and slid and swung and ran and romped with my daughter; I wasn’t about to let her take the test with me.  After the park, I’d come home and grab a few moments of rest while she watched a cartoon of happy instead of watching a mama of heap.  I buckled up and nursed at nights, developed arm muscles from holding the baby and hauling the carseat, and kept the house clean for crawling and cuddling, then grabbed a few moments of collapse during naps and night shifts.  Most of all, I buckled up my mind and determined a fighting spirit would lead my failing body.  Three years went by with fevers, fatigue, and fight before someone finally listened to my will and validated my wait.  They had me take a specialized blood test called the Western Blot and had my blood sent to a specialized lab for auto immune and infectious diseases.  I got the call I had tested positive for Lyme Disease on several points of the Western Blot grid.  I also felt the personal call my life was now being tested.  Lord lead the test.

Seven years would unravel with various treatments and trials.  I did them all.  I faced and felt them all.  Yet none would fix the question “why?”  On the bad days I remember telling my husband “I feel like there’s days and years ahead of me just waiting for me to ache them, how will I ever make it?”  On the good days I remember telling him “I’m going to live with this disease, not have this disease in my mind”   The test was a roller coaster on many levels.  I didn’t understand being sick in my child bearing years.  I didn’t understand having legs that fought to keep up with family fun or household lists.  I didn’t understand living young and living discouraged.  I didn’t understand or like being steadfast strong for everyone, yet being seen as watchable and weaker by everyone.  Most of all, I didn’t understand a God who would ask me to wade through wasting away instead of healing me to hope and fixing my faith.  I wanted to know why the test.  I wanted to know when the test would be over.  I wanted to know if I would pass.  I questioned God. . . .when I was in the mood to talk to Him.  I never thought to blame Satan first. . . .when it was his fault in the first place.  Lord lead the test.

In the last several years my Lyme has finally let up and life has afforded me rehabilitation and restoration.  I no longer feel the fight, but I’ll perhaps always be a different energy normal than everyone else.  Why do I tell you my laundry life?  Certainly not for pity and not to talk about myself.  I’m generally a quiet person.  There’s one part of the test that’s become clearer in the aftermath.  God’s Glory.  God’s Amazing Grace.  God didn’t give me the test.  Satan did.  God didn’t devastate my life.  Satan did.  God didn’t exchange my life for atrophy and aching.  Satan did.  God was beside me in the test and found a way to use it for my good.  Satan didn’t.  Why do we think of God as the one to question first?  Why don’t we think of Satan as the one to blame first?  Because we’re human.  We wonder how to talk to God in the middle of a test, but He’s the one answering it.  We wonder why He’s allowing it, but He’s the one hoping and teaching us in the middle of it.  We wonder why He’s watching us hurt, but He’s the one planning to decimate the devil who did it to us and He’s the one feeling every part of it with us. We wonder if He understands our test, but He’s the one who died because of it.  He chose us.  He’s still choosing us.  He’s standing right over us and guiding the answers from our helpless hand to His powerful heart.  That’s His glory we’re in.  Radiant illuminating glory.  That’s His grace we’re getting.  Loving compassionate grace.  We’re finding Him when we’re following Him.  The Shepherd loves us.  Lord lead the test.

I don’t know what tests you’ve faced in your life.  I know they’ve been hard.  Tests usually are.  I know they’ve been many.  Tests usually come regularly.  So do the spiritual walks or wanders that go with them.  I don’t know if you’ve learned God’s glory or felt His grace.  I don’t know if you’ve had to relearn it a dozen times like I have.  I’m guessing you’ve questioned God.  I’m guessing you didn’t blame Satan first like he deserved.   I’m guessing you got distracted from your Hope in Heaven, your Answer in the Almighty, your Refuge in the Redeemer.  I did too.  And we may again from time to time.  Life is a journey and sometimes we stop following.  Sometimes we’re not in the mood to figure out following.  It’s plain hard to fall apart in the middle of the test and not really know what to do. . . .or who to do. . . .or how to do.  It’s hard to depend on a God we can’t see, it’s hard to trust the fight He’s winning, and to follow Him because of that.  But He knows all of it.  He knows you.  He knows that’s part of the test.  He’s seeing every question you’re seeing.  Take time and put your pencil down.  Think and breathe and invite His power.  You’re in the center of His glory.  You always were.  Follow Him.  Trust Him.  Tell Him “Lord lead my test.”

Our world is in a test.  The test of its life.  An End Times test.  Societies are falling apart.  Weather is devastating lands and lives.  Governments of schools, churches, states, and countries are flexing.  Religion is ridiculed and regimented.  People are panicking and picking the worst to imagine.  It’s hard not to.  Where will we go?  What will we do?  How do our communities and families take this test?  How does our spiritual walk take this test?  We don’t.  We follow.  We trust.  We revel in His radiant glory and we follow while He fights.  He’ll lead.  He won’t let anything happen to us apart from Him.  Lord lead the test.

When my daughter came home from her SAT, she said, “I did the best I could, now I wait to find out the results and hope they’re good.”    Life.  Do the best you can and leave it all out there.  It’s not easy and it won’t be.   Don’t give up.  Ask Him to lead the whole thing.  The results for you are already known and already perfect.  You’re His kid.  You’re in His glory.  He loves you.  You’ll be home soon.  And the jerk that’s been messing with you will be in hell soon.  Lord lead the path home.

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not unto your own understanding.”  Proverbs 3:5

 

The first rain came this week.  Sometimes it was a gentle rain, enough to lift your face and breathe in the freshness (or of course the other reality,  misting on your windshield and muddling up the artistry of dust layers you had so carefully collected).  Sometimes it was thunder and lightening bombing the sky and forcing me to deal with my ever real, I-didn’t-order-this-weather, fear of ripping storms.  Yes please on gentle rain.  No can do for a shoot-out show of weather.  I’ll be the one screaming “take me to the shepherd and get me to the sheep fold!”  Sound familiar on life sometimes?   Storms are ripping and rattling the insides of your heart?   Bolts and buckets of concerns are flooding your mind?  “Get me out of here” is on your lips?  Flock to the fold.  We’re all there comforting each other and calling on the shepherd.  Jesus.  Shepherd of all life.  Shepherd of all lambs.

My husband and I had only been married a short time when we decided to go camping for the weekend in Kings Canyon, California.  This is a lot more exciting when you’re newly married, have no fancy trailer or money, but want to do something fun together.  This is not as exciting three days later.  We proudly took our financially broke selves to Costco and bought a tent, cook stove, sleeping bags, and lantern with the last of our student loan living expense money for that month.  The new camping things were worth it (and thrilling) because we we’re in our twenties and this is, yes, an adventure in the name of love.  We loaded up our food, new gear, and dog in our non-automatic locks simple Toyota Corolla, and hit the road.  Problem in the planning.  We didn’t check the weather.

Upon arriving at Kings Canyon, we pleased ourselves greatly by setting up our new tent and putting all the food in the bear proof cupboard provided in the campsite.  We also noted the neighbors watching this expedition from their adjacent site in which they sported an enormous motorhome with a very big awning, camping chairs, hot coffee mugs (the real kind instead of our fancy styrofoam), and running water.  They were grandparent age and far from broke.  I’m sure they thought it was amusing to watch us clean pots and pans on the ground, brush our teeth in the campsite water spigot, and pour hot water pans over each other’s head to wash hair and hands.  Yet this was our adventure together, our starting out story, and our broke-budget fun weekend.  We got the lantern lit and the fire pit blazing with coziness, nature, and warmth and sat together on logs with styrofoam cups quite pleased with ourselves for our new campsite and the adventure of setting it up together.  (Looking back, I’m quite pleased we hadn’t chose this adventure for our honeymoon!)   Night fall came and the late hour took us inside the tent.  Our dog curled up and off to sleep we went.  Away from the storms of school and work schedules and away from the storms of bills and laundry.

2 AM.  Rain.  Lots of rain.  Pouring rain.  Flash flood rain.  Thunder.  Lightening.  Water seeping in.  Dog unhinged by noise.  Wind.  Trees blowing everywhere.  In a canyon.  Husband sleeping. Wife terrified.  My husband learned for the first time that his new wife doesn’t do thunder and lightening. . . .anywhere.   So doing storms in a tent was out of the question.  I woke him, looked at him, and said “I want to pack up and get out of here!”  He rubbed his eyes and looked at me and said “Are you serious?”   Then he looked at me again and started packing.  At 2 AM in the morning, without any light except the car headlights put on dim so we didn’t irritate the neighbors, we undid the entire “proud and new toys” campsite and shoved it soaking wet and muddy in our little car.  Adventure done.  I was thrilled when we drove out of the canyon, got on paved roads, and headed for home away from the storm!   To this day (25 years later), my husband tells the story with shock and smirks and still can’t believe his wife made him pack it all up at 2 AM.  In the same breath, he also tells them he loves me and he’d do it all again to shelter me from a fearful storm.  Adventure for a lifetime confirmed.

Life gets stormy.  We need a shelter to head for when we’re scared and want to go somewhere un-scary.  We need a shelter to head for when it’s pouring problems and we want peace for the problems.  We need someone who loves us and  would do anything to bring us to the fold at any time for any reason.  Jesus.  Shepherd of all life.  Shepherd of all lambs.  Flock to the fold.  But sometimes I think the shepherd does a lot more in the fold than we realize.  We may come in with one reason, but He tends to many reasons.  It’s a fold of many lessons and loves.  Sometimes I think he shelters us and lets us be naked and needy, desperate and devastated.  Sometimes I think he strengthens us and provides courage and charisma, hope and height.  But one thing I know for sure,  He’s always tending to us and meeting our needs in the perfect way only a shepherd can.  He’s always always beside us.  He wants to be.  He loves us.  As we come and go from the fold, we never leave alone and never come back in alone.  He doesn’t send us out alone and doesn’t bring us back in alone.  Ever.  Shepherds don’t leave the journey.  We choose to do it together with Him.  We trust Him to do it together with us.  He’s always a shepherd and we’re always His lambs.  Jesus.  Shepherd of all life.  Shepherd of all lambs.

What can we do for each other in a stormy world?  We can create a family fold.  We can take care of each other and make the fold a safe place in an unsafe world.  We can strengthen each other to go out from the fold and we can welcome each other back in any condition.  We can kick satan out of our home and out of our hearts and let his power fall in any fake storm he tries.  We can remind each other the shepherd is always our shepherd and we’re always His lambs.  And no matter what, we can trust Jesus.  He didn’t render us alone in the world and we won’t ever be.  He didn’t just create a fold for you, He created a fold of many lessons and loves.  He wanted to.  He still does.  You are loved even in the storms, despite the storms, through the storms, and after the storms.  You are loved.  Flock to the fold and find joy.  He’s tending to you right this very minute in a way more perfect than you can find anywhere else.  Soon and very soon, we’ll be headed for home on golden roads away from the storm.  Adventure beginning.  Jesus.  Shepherd of all life.  Shepherd of all lambs.  Flock to the fold.

“So Jesus again said to them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, I am the door of the sheep. . . .The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroys. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly’ ”  John 10:7-10  (paraphrased)

“The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want.”  Psalm 23:1

I talked to a few different people yesterday.   They had a Monday.  Me too.  It was in the air.  It’s wasn’t the kind of Monday filled with new hope for a great and wonderful week.  But rather the kind of Monday that’s full of rocks in the field.  It seems the world is getting to be a rockier place.  Indonesia just had a 7.5 earthquake last Friday;  floods and lives are being cleaned up on the East Coast and winter’s not even here yet;  politics for the supreme court are dominating news stations and gossip columns;  politics in the world are aiming straight for war and worry;  churches are not a dependable fixture anymore unless you’re talking End Times fixtures;  families are stretched emotionally because they’re surviving mentally; money is driving those who have it and devastating those who don’t.   We have more busy reactions to life than permanent plans for it.  It’s tough.  Really tough.  What do we do when we feel like this?  What do we do when a Monday feels so present and a Sabbath seems long gone?   We remember God doesn’t have Mondays, He answers Mondays.   We remember God gave us strength enough to do Monday’s and weakness enough to do them with Him.  We remember God doesn’t have rocks under His feet, He’s the fortress for them, so we go there.

Hadassah had a Monday.  She could either save her own life or save God’s people.  She faced it, chose it, and prayed for it, then she was named for it.  “Esther the brave queen born for such a time as this.”    In my mind, Esther, the daughter of God who stood holding hands with the Father around His fortress.  Noah had a Monday.  He could either build an attitude of stubbornness or build a boat of salvation for God’s people.   He faced it, chose it, and prayed for it, then he made history and God made a new earth for it.  “Noah Ark.”  In my mind, Noah, friend of God who stood holding hands with the Father around His fortress.  Joseph had a Monday.  He could either run from Mary and the Son of God’s birth or embrace Mary and plan for the Son of God’s death.  He faced it, chose it, and prayed for it, then he was named for it.  “Mary AND Joseph.”  In my mind, Joseph, servant of God who stood holding hands with the Father around His fortress.    The Bible is full of Monday stories and Sabbath endings.  I wonder if mine could ever be in there.  It may not be as hyper or historical as Bible times, but does it fit at the fortress?  Bills, relationships, priorities, work, health, world issues affecting the inside of my world.  Sometimes all of that is in one Monday.  Do I fit at the fortress when I’m done with my Monday story?  Will I see a Sabbath ending when I’m done?

In our generation, our Monday world isn’t starting with the Son of God’s stable beginning.  In our generation, it’s ending with the Son of God’s soon returning.  It’s in the air.  There’s lots of “for such a time as this–where’s Esther” or “we need an Ark–where’s Noah” moments.  Things are coming unhinged.  Relationships are groaning.  Fixtures are falling.  End times are here.  Is God?  Is the fortress close enough to bring our stumbling rocks to and leave them at the fortress and join hands with the other kids of Christ?  Yes.  Because there was a Mary AND Joseph.  Yes.  Because there is a God.  Yes.  Because you were part of the plan all along.

At the end of my Monday yesterday, after I learned what my October tax bill was and after my grandpa was put in a nursing home to recover from stroke and after a friendship hit a big rocky spot, my niece delivered her beautiful baby.  Hours upon hours of labor; hours upon hours of pain and contracting;  Monday laboring.  Sound familiar in your life?  Then came the miracle of making it through Monday laboring.  New life.  Breathing, being held, being loved.  Is the fortress close enough to lay our stumbling rocks at, bring our life stories, and join hands with the other kids of Christ?   Yes.  The fullness of God’s answer to anything that feels Monday to you is there’s a miracle waiting for you at the fortress with new life, new breath, and a whole lot of love radiating up from His hand to your heart.  Come be part of the circle of stories.  And “when such a time as this” comes for all the Esther’s, Noah’s, Joseph’s, or you, you can be sure you’ll be part of the flight home and leave the world behind.   Don’t give up on Monday.  Don’t give up on any day.  Face it, choose it, pray for it.  God’s coming.

 

“The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”  Psalm 18:2

“Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you. . .”   1 Timothy 6:12

There’s a book called “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.”   If you have kids, you’ve owned it.  If you don’t have kids, you’ve heard of it.  It’s got all the tweaks and turns of pregnancy and all the tips to travel them.  It’s a go-to book for a man and woman when she’s creating a baby body and they’re creating “mom and dad.”  It’s the beginning.  Lately I’ve been wondering about “what to expect when you’re done.”   What do you do when your kids are flying the way you so earnestly taught them to do?  What do you do when it’s not the beginning anymore?   They’re out living and you’re in missing them.  There’s a mix of pride, joy, heartache, and hope swirling your heart and head (mostly your heart!) and it’s messy and perfect all at the same time.  Did I get it right Lord?  Will they be ok?  Thank you for giving them to me Jesus, I had a blast!   Yet, I wonder what the shepherd does after “in the beginning.”   In asking Him this morning, I’ve come to the answer that He keeps saying “In The Beginning” in our lives every day in every thing.  And I’m starting to realize that’s what mom’s and dad’s can do too.  It’s something I can make sense of.  Every stage from zero to a hundred can be “in the beginning.”   But not without the shepherd to help me with trust instead of “what to expect when I’m expecting change.”

I gave birth to my daughter in 4 hours.   I remember rushing from the car to a nurse with a wheelchair.  While she was driving it to the maternity ward, I was dodging contractions left and right and rushing with adrenaline to meet my child!  I had seen countless pictures of babies being put on their mama’s chests after birth and the dreamy sweaty sobbing lady in the picture was about to be me.  Or so I thought.  We got to the maternity room, got me on the bed, and the doctor called.  Then came the “not-so-as-planned-birthing plan.”  Water broke, dilated from 3 to 10 in forty five minutes, epidural put in (and broke!), doctor arrived, pushing started, baby out.  Baby taken.  I got a three second look at my daughter before they whisked her to the side and immediately started strapping an oxygen mask on her and patting her body to bring circulation.  She’d been born so fast she was in shock and they couldn’t let me hold her until they felt she was ok.  I couldn’t hold her in the beginning.

After what seemed like a very long time with both her and I being medically tended to separately and my husband going back and forth between us, they brought her to my arms, all burrito’d up with pink skin and breathing without a mask.  Mommy and daddy and baby complete.  Not the perfect picture I’d expected, but so beautiful in the moment.  A new beginning.

Fast forward to ten weeks old.  My daughter wasn’t breathing right still.  Through a series of doctor visits and events, we found ourselves at UC Davis in the pediatric ENT department with news the department head physician had cancelled all other patients and would be operating on our infant in less than an hour.  I couldn’t nurse her.  I couldn’t remove the cyst in her throat without her having to go through surgery.  I couldn’t be in the room to hold her hand or keep my eyes on her. All we could do was ask the shepherd to please go in the room with her and take care of her.  Another new beginning on so many levels.  The beginning of learning to mother with a shepherd.  The beginning of learning to father with letting someone else lead. The beginning of learning bravery and grit for not just having a baby, but raising a life.  The beginning of shepherding my daughter side by side no matter what we faced together so that one day she could breathe on her own and fly.  When she came out of the OR, they let us in to her recovery room and brought us to her little tiny bedside.  “Would you like to hold this mask over her nose and let her breathe the oxygen?” they asked me.  “I’d love nothing more.”   And “in the beginning” started again.

My daughter is a senior in high school now and the “in the beginning” moments remain to be my favorite part of life.  I’m learning and growing with the definition of them.  I’ve prayed deeply this morning and realized I never have to know or do “what to expect when you’re done.”  In all our stages together, I have the beautiful God-provided opportunity to share a lifetime with her.  The coats, vegetables, and car seats may leave and bring a messy mixture of feelings, but friendship and futures are ours to begin as many times as possible.

The Lord answered another prayer this morning for me.  He doesn’t just answer one prayer at a time with one answer at a time.  He’s God with boundless fireworks of exploding love over the field.  He taught me about being His baby; that He thinks of me the way I think of my daughter.  He’s there for my lifetime, for every way a new beginning forms for He and I together.  As we move from being young or old in our relationship with the shepherd, there’s always an “in the beginning” radiance from Him to forgive and find a future and friendship anew.  He’s never done.  He has a messy mixture of feelings too and the stages can be full of His tears and joy all fused together.  He feels.  He loves.  And that’s what love does.  It’s never done.  It’s there for every stage and goes the distance in every child’s life.  From the time “in the beginning” started to the time “in the beginning” will start again; when Heaven’s gates pour floods of majestic angels out and every lamb is swept up to be side by side with the emotional Shepherd.  He longs to see us.  I long to see Him.  What can you expect?  Forever beginnings.  Forever life.  Forever love.  Trust Jesus and start again.

 

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.”   Ephesians 3:18

“No power in the sky above or in the earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”   Romans 8:39

Stores are putting pumpkins out in force.  Fall leaves are starting to turn color.  Summer gardens are starting to lose color.  The season is changing and people know to split the firewood and unpack the sweaters.  Winter and holidays are coming.  Home feels extra nice, if you have one.

Last year as the season of winter was coming and it was time to buy Christmas trees, my family set out to our familiar tree farm not sure what we’d find.  The California October wildfires had ripped through land and life a couple months before and charred remains could be seen everywhere.  Black trees stood in skeletal formation while empty foundations and debris coated neighborhoods with loss.  The tree farm had advertised they were half gone, but also half there.  Trees would be for sale, cider and all.  I told my family I didn’t care what tree we bought or how spindly it was, but we would be buying a tree at their farm and supporting their willingness in a traumatic change of season.  They wholeheartedly agreed and found it touching and desperate the farm would open it’s doors in a time of personal loss.  Perhaps they had to for the sake of their business, perhaps they wanted to for the sake of their normalcy.  We didn’t know.  We would learn more when we got there.  We would feel a lot more as we left there.  As we drove in the entrance, a motorhome stood beside a barren foundation clad only with a chimney tower, a charred patio table set, and the black framework of a car.  Half their tree farm was charred and all of their home was burned.  They were both open and homeless.

My husband parked the car and we slowly got out looking around at what had happened to these people.  It was the first time I’d ever stood in an area of loss and it was far different than seeing it on the news or driving by it.  We were standing in the middle of tragedy.  I found myself wondering if we were inappropriate for being there or appropriate for supporting there.  Either way, quiet claimed my mood and awe claimed my mind as I surveyed the scene.  The kids were running the pay and popcorn station (popcorn seemed both trivial and powerful in the middle of mayhem), the mom was running the welcoming (she didn’t even have a front door anymore), and the dad was running the netting and loading area (he had his one and only pair of jeans on and sap and dirt were fine with him).  They had lights strung on a makeshift shed cozied up with wreaths, steaming cider, and ornaments for sale.  They were going on.  They were going on smiling and serving with what they had.  How?

We picked the tree, wagoned it down to the purchase area, and chatted with the family’s dad.  “Thank you for opening your farm to us this year” I said.  “You would have every right to not be in the mood this year and yet you’re out here smiling and helping people have a christmas tree.  I’m so very sorry you lost your home.”   He looked at me and said words I won’t ever forget.  “Just because we lost doesn’t mean we want everyone else to lose the spirit of Christmas.  We want to make people’s christmas happy, especially now.  I’m grateful to be here and offer folks a smile.  God is good.”   His heart was not homeless.  If his life could go through fire and he could say those words, He had the heart of His shepherd and the fire hadn’t and couldn’t burn there.

When all feels lost and seasons of life bring confusion we just don’t know how to do; when fire roars into our lives and we’re left with an empty foundation and charred farms, where do we start building?  How do we figure it out?  Are we survivors or are we servers?   An owner of a christmas tree farm taught me a lot about answering those questions.  The fire can’t get to the heart of a lamb if it’s lead by the shepherd;  the shepherd will lead the way out of all the rest.  It’s not always easy to remember that.  But it’s always worth it when we do.

“Be still and know that I am God.”   Psalm 46:10

“How great is our Lord! His power is absolute!  His understanding is beyond comprehension!”    Psalm 147:50

 

 

“You just turned 5.  When people turn 5, they have to start doing scary things.  You don’t get to be little anymore like you did when you were 4.  You have to go on scary roller coasters now.  You’re 5.”   Jordan was swallowing the rest of his Disneyland lunch while also sobbing and listening to his mom’s instruction.  With big watery fear tears and a combination of ketchup fingers and runny snot smearing down his Tonka Truck shirt, “I’m scared mom, I no wanta that one!  It scare me! Can’t we go to Toona Town!”  Dad took the lunch trash to the nearby bin and put the tray atop the can while mom wiped the fries grease and ketchup off and grabbed Jordan’s hand to start walking, his tall Goofey hat falling off, one shoe lace loosely untied, and one heart very knotted and tied.  The rest of the family quickly gathered their souvenir bags and last sips of cola and ran with smirky faces to catch up.  Jordan wasn’t catching up or keeping up.  Hard as he could he pulled down and away but was no match for forceful hands and a huge match for forceful fear at that moment.   As far as he was concerned, he was headed straight for a thicket.  As far as his mom was concerned, it wasn’t her thicket.   As far as I was concerned, my silent mind screamed “say what; what kind of mom; order him some “I’m sorry” on a chocolate sprinkle cone; Mickey would not be proud!”  They had two very different ideas of what’s safe and two very different ideas of who’s safe.  Don’t we all.

Unharnessed fear isn’t picky about who it finds in the field.  It isn’t picky about who it uses to jam the thickets.  It’s satan’s ride.  But it’s the shepherds field of lambs.  And He is picky.  About you.

Sometimes I think there’s a Jordan in all of us that never goes away.  A young heart with young fears facing big upside down things.  Relationships, bills, social acceptance, who we are, who God is.  Unfortunately, there’s also a “Jordan’s mom” in all of us that misuses life and steers others to thickets at times.  Power relationships, popular acceptance, prestigious investments in the who’s and what’s.  It seems fear plays a role in all of it if we’re honest.  We do what we can to run from it, we do what we can to use it against others, we fall prey to it as if it’s worthy of being part of us.  We get on the ride with satan.  Every day.  Every age.

It’s a lot of pressure to not fear.  It’s a lot of pressure to decide and do safety.  It’s a lot of mindfulness to handle all the time.  It’s fully exhausting of energy and totally depleting of beauty in your field.  Unless we let fear go.  Unless we let satan go.  Unless we just follow the shepherd and be His lamb.  Every day.  Every age.

“He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Deuteronomy 31:8

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.”  1 Corinthians 16:13

 

 

 

Homeless.  Helpless.  And Hectic.  We’d been living in a rental home for a couple years with plans to buy it.  As the landlords and economy would have it, the home had gone up in value.  Our budget hadn’t.  The landlords put it on the market and we gave 30 days notice to move out knowing we had nowhere else to go.  Worry.  Lots of worry.  Thickets.  Lots of thickets.  Faith.  Lots of faith finding.  Looking back, God.  Lots and lots of God.  Good, gracious, grand, and gripping God!

The shepherd wouldn’t let us be stuck in thickets.  He got to work.  Or rather He cued the green lights He’d already set ready to go.  This wasn’t His first look at our lives.  And it wasn’t His first flight of angels to send.  This earth has never had an impromptu shepherd.  My sister and her family opened their garage door for our furniture and boxes and opened their spare room for our “home.”  They’d even prepared a place for our daughter to put her own bed and hung a picture of our family on the wall of the room.  The last boxes were loaded in the truck and piles of dirty cleaning rags lay on the driveway floor; my back was bent and my family of three looked like we’d just run a spartan race.  We’d packed, moved, cleaned, and repaired in 2 weeks, moved 2 cords of wood (with help from students) that we’d just ordered for winter, and maintained a work and school schedule of life.   That Sunday evening, we grasped tired hands together and prayed in the driveway of a home we loved.  Then left.  Then drove to my sisters home where a candlelit dinner of soup, salad, bread, and family hugs awaited. I didn’t know if I was more grateful for soup or more grateful for God.  Thickets gone.  Flight of angels sent.  Faith finding in progress.

Over the next three months of homeless, God would continue to ask that we trust Him.  I would move from lambs wool to worry multiple times.  I learned you should never pack winter clothes when you’re heading into winter and you should always keep the hyper dog away from the un-hyper dog.  I would also learn compassion from a sister that brought trays of three hot chocolate mugs to our room each morning and welcomed us to hang her family christmas ornaments on their tree.  As following God and family decisions went, we opened escrow on the only home in our budget at the time and closed four days before Christmas.  If moving out of our house in 2 weeks hadn’t been enough, going through escrow out of boxes would do a girl in!  But as God would have it, the house was deemed a “rock solid” house, intact with soundness and safety and ready to go.  There’s never been a sweeter Christmas table than one made from packed boxes and dixie paper plates, and there’s never been a simpler happiness than one made from lambs wool instead of worry.

When we have the option to worry or wear lambs wool, what do we choose?  When we have the option to ask for a flight of angels or struggle with the shepherd, what do we choose?  The real answer is we choose both.  We choose both because we’re human.  We choose God when we admit it.  God.  Lots and lots of God.  Good, gracious, grand, and gripping God!   Yes please.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight”  Proverbs 3:5-6.

“For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.  On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.”  Psalm 91:11-12

 

“Teacher Heather, I sleep on the floor at my house.  I don’t have a bed.  I just spread blankets out at ‘dark night night’ when it’s time to sleep.  My mommy and daddy are poor and I don’t mind.”   She was 6 years old, raising her hand with shyness and smiles to answer my question “did everybody sleep cozy in their beds last night?”   Though I’d taught sabbath schools for many years, I hadn’t felt a broken fence like that from such a young lamb before.  I felt my throat lump up and tears begin to crowd my heart.  I wondered if there were tears glistening down the shepherds cheek as he heard her; part from sadness, part from emotion when he’ll tuck her in an angels bed one day in heaven.  I wished right then He’d walk in with His carpenter belt and build a wall against her thickets!  I realized right then He was giving me His belt and asking me to.

The following week my family set out to mend the fence.  We loaded up the extra twin bed frame and mattress we had in our garage and drove to the store to purchase fresh flowery sheets, soft pink blankets, and a fluffy feather down pillow.  I loved knocking on their apartment door that afternoon.  We stood with excitement waiting to reveal happiness to a 6 year old, but ended up locking eyes with a very moved mama.  The guys carried the bed in and my daughter talked to the little girl.  But the mom drew me in, tears tumbling upon her cheeks, holding me as if to hold me endlessly and enough.  I dropped the bags of sheets and blankets to the floor and poured my arms around her.  She was a dependent mama lamb being mended by the merciful.  I was a broken mama lamb being mended by the shepherd.  We’d both been given the carpenters belt.

There’s a lot of fences going un-mended in today’s world.  Breakers seem more common than builders.  Lambs are threatened with thickets and thorns every day.  We’re crowding to what looks safe.  And hoping it is.   It’s just plain hard to be a believer in a broken world and it’s hard to keep courage moving right past our worries and straight into our worships instead.  I wonder when the shepherd will come mend it all.  I don’t know.  I’m a lamb in the field waiting too.  But it’s in these times I remember 6 year olds making do on the floor of “dark night nights.”  I remember the shepherd making do on the rocky ground when He was here.  And I remember the savior asking me to never fear and come unto Him while I wait.  I wonder if He has tears glistening down his cheeks every single day while He waits to tuck me in my angel bed one day in heaven.

He walked in our life with His carpenter belt and built a cross against our thickets.  He’s giving us His carpenter belt and asking us to be His mending hands for broken fences.

“Wait patiently for the Lord, be strong, and let your heart take courage.”  Psalm 27:14

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.”  1 Thessalonians 5:11